Back to Oz
Reflecting on my deep love for Wicked on the 20th anniversary of the show that inspired me to "fly"
SPOILERS AHEAD. If you’re looking for some non-spoiler musical theater, check out my essay on Pippin. (There’s also a link in there for the spoiler version of that one, if you’ve seen that show!) Okay, you’ve been warned, Wicked spoilers ahead. On with the show.
Saying that I knew I wanted to perform the first time I saw Wicked makes me feel a little cliche. But there was nothing cliche about being a painfully shy 8 year old child feeling seen for the first time.
To my childhood self, there was no difference between Idina Menzel and Elphaba Thropp - they were one. Reality disappeared inside the Gershwin Theater - there was only Oz . Idina’s performance was so powerful that she didn’t just inspire me to be an actor - she inspired me to fly.
I’ve been carrying around the gorgeous anthem that is Defying Gravity, for almost my entire life. I’m sure I didn’t completely understand the nuances and intricacies of the song, or the greater plot, when I was a child. I certainly had no idea what it meant to “grovel in submission to feed your own ambition”, or “trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap.”
I didn’t just want to fly because it seemed cool and majestic. I remember connecting to the freedom and power of the song. I remember singing “and soon I’ll match them in renown” in my childhood bedroom with the same passion that 8 year olds are now singing Taylor Swift songs about heartbreak. I also memorized the spell from No Good Deed almost immediately.
And now, on the 20th anniversary year of the show that lit a fire inside of me, I still want to fly.
But I’m realizing now that the dream that Idina Menzel awoke inside me, that fateful winter day in 2003 wasn’t about becoming an actor and flying onstage.
What I wanted was to feel as free as Elphaba does when she takes flight and leaves everyone who doubted and controlled her behind.
My dream was to defy gravity in my real life, not just on stage – I just didn’t know it yet.
Picture this. You’re about to get everything you ever wanted, even earlier than you expected to.
But, it turns out that what your dream isn’t exactly what you expected it to be.
But you’ve worked so hard. And you’ve waited for this for so long.
You have two choices.
Say no to this dream, and forge a new, unexpected, kind of scary path. Take the road less traveled and pivot.
Change your mind. Start again. Leave everything you know behind. Start again.
And if I’m flying solo, at least I’m flying free.
Or.
Say yes to this dream. Even if it’s not what you want anymore. Even if it means making sacrifices you never thought you’d make. And crossing bridges you didn’t know you’d crossed until you’re crossed. The path is bright, shiny, and well worn. And full of sacrifices. It’s a different kind of lonely.
Cause getting your dreams, it’s strange but it seems a little well, complicated.
Both options are hard. But which one is the right kind of hard? The kind of hard that you can live with?
You can call yourself whatever you want. Oz the great and terrible. Glinda the good. A wicked witch. But none of that really matters. Who you are behind closed doors, when faced with a crossed roads like this, that’s what matters.
At the heart of it all, Wicked is a story about women learning to embrace their power and remain true to themselves. Elphaba and Glinda are two very different witches, with shared desires, dreams, and insecurities.
Elphaba carries so much shame, from her family and the people around her. She’s the product of a family secret - her mother’s affair - and she physically bears the brunt of that secret, and the damage it did to her family due to her green appearance.
While she was pregnant, Elphaba’s mom had an affair with a mystery man who would bring her green elixirs to drink (if you haven’t seen Wicked, I will not spoil this for you completely by sharing the mystery man’s identity!) Thanks to the green elixirs, Elphaba is born green. Everyone is horrified. (We actually never get to hear much about Elphaba’s mom’s reaction, now that I think about it. But from the way that Elphaba speaks about her mother, I would guess that she loved her beautiful green baby and treated her with much more kindness than Oz ever offered her.)
Fast forward to baby #2. Elphaba’s father made her mom chew on milk flowers day and night, so that the baby wouldn’t come out green. Nessa Rose (Elphaba’s sister) is born early, without the ability to walk, and Elphaba’s mother dies in childbirth. Elphaba’s dad somehow blames her for his wife’s death AND his second daughter’s disability, and treats her horribly.
It’s a dramatized, fictional story, but I bet you know a version of it, or have lived it yourself; being ostracized for something you have no power over, and made to feel small.
Elphaba’s father always hid her, and told her not to “be a spectacle.” He only sent her to Shiz University to watch over her sister. He didn’t even tell the school that Elphaba was coming! That’s why she ends up bunking with Glinda! They literally didn’t have a dorm room for her!
(If you can’t tell, I’m not a fan of Frexspar Thropp.)
Even though I clearly know the plot, I got more upset than I thought I would, watching Elphaba go from being on the cusp of everything she ever wanted, to being ostracized by the people she trusted most. Some people will flip on you in a second when they don’t get their way. When you stop doing exactly what they want. They turn everything they claimed to love about you into a weakness. And you have to find a way to reclaim your truth again.
“They’re burning all the witches even if you aren’t one. So light me up.” - Taylor Swift.
I’d rather be labeled a witch than be mistaken for a witch hunter.
And yet after everything she’s been through, Elphaba somehow remains soft and strong. She balances her deep desire to belong with near-unwavering loyalty to herself. She flies around in hiding from an angry mob of townspeople, a fraudulent wizard, and a mentor who betrayed her. Her own sister eventually turns against her. She learns to release some of her shame, play by her own rules, and stand in the power of her own convictions.
She also finally gets to have this gorgeous moment of deep vulnerability and intimacy with Fiyero, the love of her life who she thought could never love her back. He’s actually loved her all along. Elphaba gets to unravel with Fiyero, and really lets him take care of her - which is incredibly hard for someone who has always had to rely on themselves. There’s no way of knowing what their life together is like after the final curtain drops - but I like to imagine them happy and free.
Elphaba grew to not care about the lies people spread about her - or at least to act as such. And that is no small feat. Never underestimate the power of a woman who has stepped into her authenticity, and stopped caring what people think about her
And there’s Glinda the Good who cared far too much about what people thought of her.
She’s well-liked and incredibly popular. She successfully wins the favor of those around her, and very much represents someone who “has it all” But on the inside, Glinda absolutely longs for more. She wants true connection. She wants to be taken seriously. She wants people to stop underestimating her. She wants real love.
Elphaba: Everyone loves you
Glinda: But I want HIM* to love me.
*Glinda is referring to Fiyero, who she is currently dating at this point in the show. She can feel him pulling away even though she doesn’t know exactly why yet. Spoiler alert- it’s because he’s loved Elphaba since they freed the lion cub together!
It doesn’t matter if you’re physically alone, or surrounded by a million people who love you; you can experience profound loneliness in both scenarios.
Glinda ends up making choices that take her farther and farther away from all of her deepest desires. She also makes big sacrifices, in favor of a more neat, tidy, and shiny distortion of reality. As she stands in front of her fellow Ozians, with everything she ever wanted — or thought she wanted — she sing about how happy she is, while trying to convince herself of that happiness under the surface.
There's a kind of a sort of cost
There's a couple of things get lost
There are bridges you cross
You didn't know you crossed
Until you've crossed
And if that joy, that thrill
Doesn't thrill like you think it will
Still, with this perfect finale
The cheers and the ballyhoo
Who wouldn't be happier?
So I couldn't be happier
Because happy is what happens
When all your dreams come true
Well, isn't it?
Happy is what happens
When your dreams come true!Thank Goodness
-Thank Goodness, sung by Glinda the Good
Glinda is devastated that the things she thought would make her happy aren't all that they’re cracked up to be. Yet she buries that pain deep inside of her, and forces a smile. She ends up making choices out of alignment with her truest relationships and desires, and those choices have serious consequences for her and her loved ones.
I found myself feeling super critical of some of Glinda’s choices this time around. And then I remembered all the times I’ve been like Glinda, and made choices that I wasn’t proud of. All the times I was given second chances.
I too eventually stepped into my power and became kinder to others, and kinder myself. Just like Glinda finally truly becomes Glinda the Good, in more than just name alone, by the finale of the show.
I like to think that the end of Wicked is the beginning of a whole new chapter for her. I picture Glinda stepping into her Elle Woods era, and showing everyone that there’s more to her than meets the eye.
Another theme that really stood out to me this time around, was the idea of proving yourself. The idea that you have to prove yourself, in order to gain and keep authentic connections; the love and belonging that you crave and so richly deserve.
We are literally wired for authentic connection and belonging. You don’t have to do anything or prove anything, in order to get it or keep it.
The gender dynamics also spoke to me in a different way this time around. I was deeply aware of the way that women had to attach themselves to men, to advance in their world. They couldn’t be powerful by themselves - at first - and instead had to attach themselves to power, and compromise their values to do so. Seeing both Glinda and Elphaba stand in their own power at the end of the show is deeply gratifying. We don’t have to chase something outside of ourselves in order to get what we want. We are our own saviors. We can tap into our own power.
To quote another badass character played by Idina Menzel,
“You are the one you’ve been waiting for all of your life.”
-Show Yourself, sung by Elsa in Frozen II
Wicked is for the people who are labeled as “too much.”
Too loud.
Too sensitive.
Too bold.
And –
Too girly.
Too “nice.”
Too much of a people-pleaser.
Everyone deserves a chance to fly.
But you don’t need some smoke and mirrors “Wizard” to help you ascend.
You do need connection though. Friendships that hold you. Love that gives you the courage to become who you’re meant to be. We’re not meant to take the journey towards our truest self alone.
Elphaba was willing to go it alone. But also – she went it alone and then found her people along the way. People like Dr. Dillamond, Glinda, and Fiyero.
And while she has absolutely loved and lost, I choose to believe that she finds more community after the curtain drops. And maybe - just maybe, she, Elphaba, and Fiyero all get to reunite one day. But that’s probably wistful thinking.
I choose to believe that there are even more kindred spirits out there waiting for both of these women, and for all of us, if we have the courage to be our authentic selves.
We are never doing anyone any favors by withholding our gifts from the world. It’s scary to be fierce, but you can’t compromise that for fear of losing those around you.
- Idina Menzel
I’ll leave you with some photos from the 20th anniversary celebration. I saw the show two times during this anniversary weekend, and went to the block party in Gershwin Alley. Too much fun. Many tears were shed.
PS - I’m taking next week off, but will be sharing quotes from some of my favorite essays so far, in celebration of 6 months here at substack! Time FLIES!
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