Clear Mind, Clean Sink, Can't Lose
On dirty dishes, inner critics, and self compassion.
This week’s title evolved from ‘Clean’ to ‘Clean Dishes’, to ‘Clean Sink, Messy Mind’, to the above. It’s a reference to the classic chant from the acclaimed TV show, Friday Night Lights.
I love a freshly cleaned house. New sheets, vacuumed floors, and neatly folded laundry. No dishes in the sink, perfectly fluffed pillows, and a fully stocked fridge. Like a hotel, but cozier.
But most of the time, my apartment just looks lived in. Not perfect, but lived in. And I’m very okay with that.
Except when I’m dealing with a particularly challenging bout of depression or anxiety. When I spiral and my mind gets foggy, I take it personally that the dishes in the sink are not done. That the laundry isn’t folded. I consider it a personal failure. I could win the Nobel peace prize, but if I was depressed when it happened and my dishes were not done - I promise you I would not enjoy the ceremony, or even remember giving a speech. I would just be thinking about the pan that’s been in my sink since last night.
Once I get going, it’s very easy to jump from one negative thought to the next. Ex: “There are dishes in the sink. My house is a mess. My mind is a mess. My life is a mess. I should be doing more. Why haven’t I done my grocery shopping yet? Why haven’t I taken care of that new eye prescription yet? I have so much to do. I have nothing to do. Get it together. But also be nice to yourself. But get it together.”
When I spin out like this, I try to remind myself of the wise words of Elyse Myers below.
Our brains are so powerful and awe-worthy. And yet they don’t always have our best interest in mind in the slightest. They’re actually wired for struggle; it’s very hard to break patterns. From making your bed a certain way to changing a belief about yourself.
I’ve been working on cultivating self compassion lately, when I’m being hard on myself (and really, all the time.) And when it doesn’t work, I try to remind myself of how easy it is for me to summon compassion for my friends, and even for strangers. I would never let anyone speak as negatively to another person, as I speak to myself.
In college, I wrote a play called FINE. Here’s what it’s about.
When Madison and Blake meet in the waiting room of their therapist Alyssa’s office, they embark on a friendship that leads to much more than either of them could ever imagine. Throughout the play, Alyssa also contemplates her personal and professional successes and shortcomings, while grappling with her own crucial life choices. FINE is a drama about mental health challenges, and the individuals living with these common human issues.
Madison is joined on stage by three actors who represent her inner dialogue/self talk. Early on in the writing process, I dubbed them ‘the mean girls.’ Ally is the ringleader, Amy is the sidekick, and Angela is actually pretty nice. She’s the kind of girl who got stuck hanging out with the popular mean girls in high school, and has trouble standing up for herself even though she disapproves of the mean girls behavior.
People who have read, watched, or listened to FINE (we recorded it on a podcast!) often say something like “Wow, those girls are vicious. How did you come up with those lines?!” That’s just what the inside of my head sounds like sometimes.
I think I often write things that I need to hear, in my plays. Here are a few of Angela’s (aka the nicest inner critic/mean girl) lines, that I could use these days. Maybe you could use these reminders today too.
“I want to tell you that you’re not perfect. You’re damn near close, but not perfect. I want to tell you to stop trying to be perfect, that the world won’t come crumbling down if you let your true self out. The self that isn’t so critical, the self that is messy and isn’t always right, but is oh so truly 1000% authentically you. The one that doesn’t have all the answers but doesn’t ignore the questions either.”
“You’re amazing. You constantly tell me that you’re ‘amazing’, and that you’re ‘amazing.’ And I believe you every time. My greatest hope is that you’ll believe it someday. You are amazing. You’re not ‘fine’, you’re amazing.’
The imperfect you is going to accomplish more than the perfect you ever could.
That last line reminds me of something Glennon said on her podcast a while back.
What I want to say to you is, I want to hold you by the shoulders and say, “There is nothing wrong with you.” And perhaps the only thing that has ever been wrong with us is the wild wrong idea that there is something wrong with us. And I think what Mrs. Yellen* is trying to say to me after 70 years on this earth is, please stop wasting your precious time on this planet thinking that you are a mystery to solve when there is so much beauty to just enjoy.
*Glennon and Amanda’s 7th grade government teacher and dear friend
I’m not sure if I’ll ever get a tattoo(s), but if I had to get one tomorrow, it would read, “there is nothing is wrong with you.”
Nothing is wrong with you. Even if your sink and mind feel messy and full sometimes like mine do.
I’ll also leave with you one of my favorite songs from my favorite Lady Gaga album, Joanne.
Oh, I could use some two or three
Or other kind of ways to be
But today I won't be so hard on me
I'll walk alone down a different street
And smile at all the new strange I meet
And pick up unique style, I'll kick around today
And create simple thoughts
I'll laugh in humble ways
We both know
I could learn a thing or two
About behavin'
But I love you
And after all it's just another day
Ha! I'm right there with you winning the Nobel Peace prize yet thinking about the dishes! Perhaps part of it is that highly sensitive people are very influenced by their physical surroundings. There are so many folks who wouldn't blink an eye and feel down and not notice their home or office. Bless them, I want to be them!