I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here

Hitting 100 subscribers, and reflecting on my Substack journey thus far.

*The title is a direct reference to the song “I think I’m gonna like it here” from the 1982 premiere of Annie! I talk a lot more about my love for Annie in this post.

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I’ve been here for about two months, and

Substack

is already infusing my life with so much joy. I wish I had started Wild Cozy Free sooner, and yet I know that this was the exact right time; that I needed every ounce of who I am in this present moment to enter into this community with you all.

I can already feel myself stretching and expanding in different directions. I love this space, and I love this little community. 

(Except, we’re getting less “little” by the day. There are over 100 of you here, in 9 countries and 25 U.S. states as I write this! WHAT!)

A natural consequence of announcing that I’m taking a weekly step towards more embodiment, is that I’m becoming increasingly more and more aware of myself, my eccentricities, habits, preferences, and the way I move through the world. The fact that I like to bring a lot of black tank tops with me when I travel. Or that I prefer unsweetened vanilla almond milk in my smoothies but unsweetened original almond milk in my honey bunches of oats. The unspoken is coming into focus, holding my attention, and being recorded by yours truly. I’m learning a lot about myself.

Another unexpected side effect of these steps towards embodiment is that I’m developing more compassion for myself. Recently while packing for a trip, I stopped to have a bowl of cereal. I meant to quickly scarf it down and then get back to my suitcase, but instead I sat down on the couch to watch an episode of One Tree Hill. Usually, I would berate myself for being so lazy and unproductive. But that day. I found compassion for myself and let myself take a break. This moment I’m describing was small and huge. Engaging in positive self talk is one of my biggest ongoing battles.

This blog feels like a weekly invitation to dive into some of the chapters of my life that I barely let myself think about, let alone reflect on deeply. It’s an invitation to daydream, and explore my wild cozy free desires. I hope I can extend that invitation right back to you each week. There is no such thing as one way liberation.

I’ve been thinking a lot about permission lately, now that I have the newfound freedom to write whatever I want each week. It feels like a powerful privilege, to be able to land in your inbox each week and speak to you directly like this. To connect with you in such an intimate way.

I feel like I don’t have to prove myself to connect with you. Like it’s safe to share all of who I am. 

Heather Havrilesky

once said something to the effect of “Pour your grisly self a cup of tea and let her unfurl and tell you her fears.” That is not the exact quote. I spent a lot of time trying to find the exact quote. But what matters more than the words themselves is the image that this one particular essay conjured in my mind, of this grisly, gritty version of me unfurling from the corner where I usually keep her, like a witch who’s been trapped in a fireplace being invited to share everything on her mind over a cup of tea. 

I’m not afraid of people not liking what she has to say. Because those people aren’t my people. I’m not for everyone. I don’t want to be for everyone. 

Tracee Ellis Ross spoke beautifully about not being for everyone on a recent episode of We Can Do Hard Things. Below is a shortened excerpt.

Glennon Doyle: Think about how weak you’d have to be everyone’s cup of tea. You’d have to be the weakest ass tea.

Tracee Ellis Ross: You’d have to be the weakest ass tea. You’d have to be water.

Glennon Doyle: No, you’d have to be water. And you can’t even be flavorful.

Amanda Doyle: You can’t be warm water. You’re going to be luke warm-

Tracee Ellis Ross: And by the way, some people don’t like water.

Glennon Doyle: And the more flavorful you are, the more narrow your tea audience might be. Specific.

Tracee Ellis Ross: Yeah. It might be a narrow tea audience.

I’m not weak tea. I’m not broth. I’m broccoli cheddar soup.  I’m crunchy chili garlic oil from Trader Joe’s. I’m not trying to be palatable to everyone.

I’m not here to be my cocktail party self.  I’m here to be someone who my younger self would look at, and think “I want to be like her when I grow up.” Because she is. I am. We are.

I don’t think this is luck. I don’t think it’s temporary. Or at least, I hope not. I think this feeling, of being at home and comfortable and at ease sharing my true self, is here to stay. 

And that doesn’t mean everything is going to be easy and comfortable. I don’t want easy and comfortable. I’m a Pisces sun, Scorpio moon, and Capricorn rising so I don’t rarely expect easy and comfortable.

I have so many things to say to you. I have so many archives of posts ready for you.

I want to talk about my eating disorder and queerness and things I walk down the street and find fascinating and a play reading I just saw that blew my mind.

I want to talk about my friends and how much I love them and how much they’ve been lifting me up lately. I want to talk about how much I’ve been loving, cold showers the summer because New York the humid nightmare right now, but I also love New York summers. I want to talk about everything that feels wild, cozy free, and also what feels contained and uncomfortable and terrible.  

I want to tell you how much every one of you in this community mean to me. Those who I talk to you every week in the comments and those who I haven’t engaged with directly. I want you to know that I think about you all the time and that I’m just so happy and grateful that you’re here.

I want to tell you how I wouldn’t have started this journey without witnessing

Tessa Permar

’s vulnerability and courage in sharing her story over at

How To Be Sick

- which I highly encourage you to check out.

I want to talk about what I’m watching and loving. The Season 2 Finale of The Bear blew my mind. (Maybe I’ll start a weekly roundup of tv, books, and songs?)

Speaking of songs, I want to post like a 50+ song playlists just so you can get a glimpse of what the inside of my heart looks like lately. I’ve been keeping one long playlist for every year of life since 24, and it’s so funny, heartwarming, and bittersweet to look back at the songs I loved each year. It’s like a time capsule.

I want to let you in on my life coaching classes, and how excited I am to be going on this new journey. 

I want to talk about slowing down, emotionally and physically. While walking with a friend recently, she was going notably faster than me. At one point she was literally several paces ahead. I was so physically tired that day that I could not “keep up.” I also had no desire to. Don’t get me wrong, I can still walk remarkably fast - run even - if I need to. Like if I’m late, which happens a lot. But we weren’t late that day.  She was just used to walking at that faster pace with me. When I was younger, I once said that “strolling is for beaches, not New York City!” I cringe when I think of that younger version of me, never wanting to slow down. I have empathy for her too though; always hustling, always having somewhere to go and something to prove.

I want to write more poems . I have one ready, that’s also kind of a song. I almost published this week but now it’s scheduled for next week. But also, this week was supposed to be about what being queer means to me in honor of the last week of Pride, and now I’m writing this, so when am I gonna publish that?!

Breathe, Alexa, Breathe.

We have time. We’re just getting started.

(And FYI - queer pride is not restricted to June. It’s all year round.)

I want to tell you about the Krispy Kreme doughnut that I bought on the way home from a reading of a new play called UGLY, by Nissy Aya. I’ve really been wanting one lately, but I have not allowed myself to get one because I am conscious of the weight I’ve put on lately. I’m also conscious thought this weight is the result of my very healthy eating disorder recovery.

I want to tell you about how I used to spend all my pre-teen allowance on a Dunkin’ Donuts, glazed donut, and a magazine from blockbuster (tiger beat or J-14.) It brought me so much joy each Friday. I never even thought about saving up the money for something else. 

I want to tell you a little about the things that I’ve decided not to tell you about. The things I’m going to keep to myself for now. The memories in my diary. The pieces of my past that I don’t owe the internet. 

I want to talk about what it feels like to be single right now and be really happy,  but also longing for my person to show up already. How I used to read letters like this when I was a teenager.

I want to know what you think of the space so far and what you’re curious about.  What are you longing  for from wild cozy, free? What are you longing for in your own world? I’m very, very grateful to be a small part of your life each week. Let’s make the most of it together. 

I want to talk more about what it means to feel wild, cozy, free, and why I chose this title.

If you’re new here, I talk a little bit about that in my very first essay from just a few weeks ago!

Welcome to Wild Cozy Free!

I think the word “cozy” is self-explanatory and “free” is a little bit too. But “wild” is the, well, wild part for me. And also, a little contradictory. On purpose.

It’s about being wild at heart, not wild like staying up all night at a rave.

Wild like, canceling your plans to finish reading a book that has a hold on you.

Wild like jumping in the shower the minute you get home to jump under the cold water to get the dripping sticky sweat off your body.

Wild like drinking La Croix out of a wine glass because it makes me feel decadent.

Wild like, creating an authentic life for myself , without apologizing. 

Wild like spending pride weekend with strangers who became new friends.

Wild like helping a stranger carry her stroller up the stairs in a skirt so long that I almost tripped on many times.

Wild like talking to you, you reading this, like you’re sitting across from me as I write this, not worlds away.

There are 100+ subscribers, in 9 countries, and half the states here in America. That is WILD to me.

But it’s also cozy. It’s intimate. 

And oh so freeing.

Thanks for being here. This community makes me feel so alive. I feel boundless. I feel tingly. I feel it in my bones.  I hope you can too.

Image by Adeline Artistry