My First [gather] Event
On imposter syndrome, trying new things, and surprising myself.
I like to think of all of us as a mosaic of the people who have impacted us.”
- Sharon Varghese Chan
Last night, I added to the mosaic, at my first [gather] event.
[gather] is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization that seeks to empower women to cultivate community and be built up in leadership, as well as to create safe spaces for vulnerability and authentic conversation.
(pulled from the [gather] website mission page.)
I had been looking forward to this panel (linked below) for weeks, and then almost backed out of going at the last minute. It’s becoming somewhat of a pattern in my life - almost missing out on experiences that end up being really powerful and shifting.
An hour before the panel started, I was sitting on my couch in the dark (it was not an intentional, dramatic choice to sit in the dark, I had just been sitting in that spot for a few hours and the sun had gone down far earlier than I expected - thank you daylights savings)
I was trying to piece together another essay about Shadows that just wasn’t coming together in the way I wanted it to. Maybe I’ll return to it later.
Earlier in the day, I had caught up with some friends from my coaching cohort, and then met another friend for coffee. I started telling myself, it’s okay if you don’t go to this panel tonight. It’s dark and cold and it’s Tuesday and you were already social today. There will be more events. You don’t have to force yourself out of the house. You can stay in your cozy cocoon and order some takeout and keep watching Only Murders in the Building (I’m only on the second season - no spoilers!)
(For the record, it wasn’t that cold at all. It was maybe 63 degrees, which is only cold if you live in L.A.)
I told myself that I needed to leave by 5:45pm, or I wasn’t going. I watched the clock strike 6pm.
And then something shifted. This question rose to the surface in me.
What if you just go What if you surprise yourself? Or what if it’s not what you’re expecting and the world doesn’t end and you just come home and cocoon on the couch in a few hours anyway?
What if you just go?
And so I went.
On the way there, I texted one of my group chats about how hard it is to leave the house when it’s dark out. I texted another friend that I deserved a medal for getting myself off the couch and onto the subway. Needless to say, I was pretty proud of myself.
I listened to 1989 (TV) to pump myself up. (Also, one of my tiktoks* reacting to “Is It Over Now?” currently has 405K views WILD.)
*For all of my fellow swifties, I also made another TikTok explaining my coaching philosophy using Taylor Swift lyrics (1989 TV edition.)
I berated myself a little for leaving so late, hoping that I wouldn’t miss the beginning of the panel.
I let myself indulge in a few negative scenarios where everyone was cliquey and mean and standoffish and I regretted ever coming.
And then I walked into the lobby of the building where the event was taking place, and made my first friend of the night on the elevator ride up. Another person attending a [gather] event for the first time, with another friend on their way (also coming for the first time) who would become my second friend of the night.
We only had ten minutes or so to chat and meet a few other attendees before the event began. During that time, I also got to meet the founder and executive director of [gather], Lauren Franco, who would be moderating the panel. She started the group while at NYU, after meeting many women having difficulty finding adult friendships.
Once we made our way to our seats, we began chatting about our jobs. I always take a minute to decide how I want to present myself, as a multi-hyphenate. What do I want to focus on, or highlight? Do I just say all the things? Some of the things? Lately, I’ve been introducing myself as a life coach and writer, because these are the fields I’m focusing on the most in this season. I sometimes feel guilty about not mentioning marketing consulting or the nonprofit that I run. More on navigating my identity as a multi hyphenate another time.
While talking about my writing, I mentioned the novel that I’m in the *very* early stages of. Both new friends were excited to learn more. Their enthusiasm was unknowingly a much needed boost of encouragement, for this project that I don’t often talk about. I made a mental note, to send them both advanced reader copies if when the novel is published.
I could honestly probably write a whole essay on each of the quotes below, but here are a few of my favorite takeaways from the panel discussion, beautifully moderated by Lauren. I almost didn’t take notes (out of fear that people would think that I was texting_ but I am SO glad that I did. If you ever see me typing really fast on my phone in the audience at an event, there is a 99% chance I’m obsessively taking notes and trying to soak up as much as I can while also staying in the moment.
Part of my authenticity is admitting that I don’t know everything. I have contributions to make and I’m also part of the puzzle. - Nina Brandt, Head of Strategic Programming at the UN
This was the moment when I knew that I had to take notes. I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to focus on the rest of the discussion if I didn’t immediately write this down. I love a puzzle metaphor. I love when people in positions of power and influence normalize not knowing everything. My favorite advice to give to young people, is to be wary of people who try to convince you that they know everything. I like to tell them my favorite Michelle Obama quote of all time. (Nina, the speaker above, ironically mentioned Michelle Obama when asked for some examples of amazing leadership.)
I have been at probably every powerful table that you can think of, I have worked at nonprofits, I have been at foundations, I have worked in corporations, served on corporate boards, I have been at G-summits, I have sat in at the U.N. Here’s the secret. They are not that smart. There are a lot of things that folks are doing to keep their seats because they don’t want to give up power. And what better way to do that than to make you feel you don’t belong. - Michelle Obama
The people we traditionally think of as “knowing everything” do not know everything. No one knows everything. So why not be authentic and admit it, like Nina says in the first quote above? We all have our strengths to contribute, and there are the things we don’t know. It’s not a deficit. It’s not some huge failure that we have to cover up. It’s just a fact that’s true for everyone, whether they're admitting it or not. A fact that really does wonders for my imposter syndrome, personally.
Speaking of imposter syndrome, Sharon Varghese Chan, a licensed mental health counselor, spoke about the Dunning Kruger effect - which I had never heard of before.
The Dunning-Kruger effect effect occurs when a person’s lack of knowledge and skills in a certain area cause them to overestimate their own competence. By contrast, this effect also causes those who excel in a given area to think the task is simple for everyone, and underestimate their relative abilities as well. - thedecisionlab.com
Sharon went on to discuss how important it is to challenge the narrative in our heads, and correct our negativity bias. There’s deep power in saying what you’re thinking aloud, in order to figure out if there’s actually evidence for what you’re telling yourself is true (ex: that you’re under qualified for something.)
Sharon also noted that reframing how we speak to ourselves is like learning a new language, and that it’s okay if it doesn’t come easily. I know that many of you reading know this to be true, but I think it’s worth the reminder that learning how to speak to ourselves differently requires patience and time.
It can even be a simple as switching the thought “what did I do wrong?” to “what’s wrong?” as the panelists discussed in a later part of the conversation.
You don’t have to be the best at everything. - Sharon Varghese Chan
Sharon went on to talk about imposter syndrome and super heroism. The idea that not being the best at something, can keep us from even trying something new. A common behavior among perfectionists. At coffee earlier that day, a friend and I were just joking about our perfectionistic tendencies and how we’ve both told our therapists that “we’re not perfect enough to be perfectionists.”
Sharon also mentioned the original paper on imposter syndrome by Dr. Valerie Young during the panel (I haven’t read it yet, but I’m excited to) and told us Young’s definition. I found it really impactful to learn exactly what imposter syndrome is on a deeper level, and I’m excited to dive into Dr. Valerie Young’s website, impostersyndrome.com. From the quote below on her bio page, I already know I’m going to love her.
“Valerie Young is to impostor syndrome what Brené Brown is to vulnerability.”- Mark Leruste, Founder of The Unconventionalists
The panel also discussed the importance of intimacy in friendships, and how to intentionally build deeper friendships and communities. We’re so quick to “define the relationship” when it comes to romantic partners, but it’s far less common to sit down and talk with a friend about the nature of your relationship and your desire to become closer.
When asked for their final takeaways for the night, Nina responded “be kind to yourself” while Sharon noted, “we’re all doing our best.” Two reminders that I know we could all use right now, and always.
A few other reminders from the panel that I really needed to hear —
A ten minute walk can change your whole perspective
Call friends who give you energy and encouragement before a big life moment, or something you’re nervous for.
Keep a record of things that are going well/nice things people say to you, so that you can look back at them in moments of vulnerability and self doubt. (ex: compliments, nice e-mails etc.) Give your brain some positive data points to fight negativity bias.
Do nice things for other people when you’re feeling drained. It’ll make you feel better too.
And above all, we’re all doing our best. Be kind to yourself (and others.)
I’ll leave you with one last quote, from Martha Beck, in a We Can Do Hard Things podcast episode from a few weeks back. I shared it over on instagram a few days ago.
We are “casts of fascinating characters doing [our] damned best.” - Martha Beck.
Oh - and one more thing.
Nina Brandt spoke about the importance of staying open, and letting yourself be surprised by the way your path unfolds. Both Nina and Sharon Varghese Chan are two incredibly accomplished women in career fields that they did not expect to be in.
Let yourself surprise yourself.
I’m not going to tell you to always get off the couch and go to and event where you don’t know anyone. Sometimes, it’s okay to stay cozy and order the takeout. Winter is coming, and I’ll be doing exactly that for many, many nights ahead.
But sometimes, it’s worth it to listen to the little voice urging you to try something new.
If you’re a woman in New York seeking more community, I can’t recommend [gather] enough. I already have their next event in my calendar. A huge thank you to Lauren Franco and the entire [gather] team for a wonderful first event.
P.S. When I told one of my new friends that I was heading home to write an essay about the panel, she said something to the effect of “how Carrie Bradshaw of you!” and I love that for me. I couldn’t help but wonder…
P.S.S. Check out my essay, Why I Became A Life Coach, and learn more about my new limited time offer for paid subscribers below. All of my paid subscribers (at every level!) will receive two 1 hour coaching sessions, now - January 31st. You can use the session yourself or gift it to someone else, or do some kind of combo. You’ll also have access to future paid content (which could include anything from more coaching offers, to long form writing, to a sneak peek at some of the creative writing projects I’m working on - both playwriting and my very first novel.)
