My Wisest Self

On grounded confidence, authenticity, caves, and overgrown gardens.

A huge, huge, huge thank you to everyone who read and shared last week’s post - it is officially my most viewed essay!! I’m deeply grateful for your support, and couldn’t think of a better way to celebrate completing my certification requirements.

I planned to write this week’s essay much differently. I went through all my notes and musings on what authenticity means to me. I looked up Brené Brown’s definition. I collected some anecdotes. I felt very sure of what I wanted to say.

Image is from the Dare to Lead hub at brenebrown.com.

And then I had a session with my coach, and realized that I want to say something different entirely. 

Instead of talking about what authenticity means to me, I want to talk about what it feels like in my body and how I envision it in my mind.

Without even knowing that I was working on this essay, my coach brought up how much authenticity means to me. She highlighted it as one of my core values, and asked me how I thought that I could show up more authentically in a certain situation. 

I wasn’t entirely sure.

I expressed how much I’m craving more authenticity in my life; how I’m longing to live into my own values more in this season. There is a different way I’d show up in the world, if I was being really honest with myself, and making all of the choices from that place of authenticity.

Wouldn’t we all?

My therapist recently brought up a metaphor, about diving into water without being hyper aware of the ripples you’ll make when you hit the surface.

I immediately knew that I would be diving differently - living differently - if I wasn’t so concerned with the ripples. The big, messy waves. The imminent consequences of living into my truth.

Later on in my session, my coach asked if I wanted to try an exercise. I nodded. Inside, I thought “oh god, here we go.” 

I love a good visualization exercise. It’s a powerful tool that has served me well, and I’ve also created some unique ones for my clients. 

And yet, that afternoon, I found myself afraid to face my own depth, and the truth of what I was really feeling. 

Like when I used to take voice lessons, and was afraid of the low notes that I could make. I would ask my teacher, “is this too deep? Does it sound weird?” He would always say “no, it’s beautiful.” I was afraid of the depth of my own voice. The power of my voice. And the low notes that I could (and still can) hit on a scale. 

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I closed my eyes, put my hands on my heart’s center, and took a few deep breaths.

Later, I would tell my coach that putting my hand on my heart feels like unlocking a portal to the more grounded, authentic part of myself. 

I’ve accessed this self before - in coaching and on my own - but today is the first time that I picture her as an actual person. Like a future version of me. The most authentic version of me.

I had an immediate image of her, sitting in a cave on the side of a mountain. 

Outside there is chaos. The land is overgrown, full of weeds, and honestly at times a bit scary.

But inside the cave, there is peace. It is cozy and warm. A glowy natural  light fills the space.

My coach starts to ask my grounded self questions. She answers. My frustration and anxiety and worry do not scare her. She is calm, confident, and measured. She is patient. She is full of certainty. She is gentle, and reassuring. I love being here with her. 

My coach asks if there’s anything I’d like to ask her in closing, before we finish the exercise. I realize that I don’t want to leave. I could stay here forever, in this gorgeous cave. Who would want to return to that prickly, overgrown land when they could stay here forever?

I make a promise to my grounded self that I’ll return more often. 

I open my eyes.

I quickly realize that the point is not to live inside that cave with her. 

The point is to take back control of the land outside the mountain - let’s call it a garden of sorts - and make it mine again. I have to make it safe enough for my grounded, most authentic self to fully exist here.

(Don’t ask me why there’s a garden on the side of a mountain next to a cave. Just go with it. Visualizations can take you to some strange places.)

I’ve let so many other people plant seeds here. Seeds of self doubt, limiting beliefs, and so much else that’s not serving me. Everything that’s kept me from my potential. 

It’s time to pull the weeds, and plant new seeds. 

It’s time to cultivate a safe space for my most authentic self to thrive. 

It’s time to make my outer world (garden) look more like my inner world (cave.) It’s time to bridge the gap. 

It takes a lot of audacity and courage to live authentically. To be your full self, unapologetically. 

It’s really scary to realize that you want something different than what you currently have. Things that might feel far away, or nearly impossible to reach, based on your current circumstances.

As a go-getter and recovering perfectionist, I often like to focus on what I can control and what I’m capable of.

But here’s the thing.

My grounded, most authentic self is my wisest self.

She knows the most.

And man, do I underestimate her.

I look everywhere else for answers. Under every stone, and behind every tree in my overgrown garden. 

And without fail, this grounded and authentic version of me has the answers I’m looking for every time. Every single time.

Discovering your most authentic self is a hell of a journey. It’s not one that everyone will choose to go on. 

I’m incredibly grateful to have my coach by my side as I ground myself in authenticity, tend to my garden, and commit to planting new, truer seeds. It’s so reassuring to know that I’m not stuck in the weeds alone. 

I’m also incredibly grateful to be a guide to others, as they set out on their own journeys. It’s truly a gift to witness my clients’ growth, as they uncover their own unique wisdom. 

Consider this your own personal invitation to venture inwards, deep within yourself. It’s scary, but it’s worth it.

And if you’re looking for a guide, I’d be honored to take the journey with you.

You can schedule a call to chat with me here OR upgrade to a paid subscription to claim two 60 minute coaching sessions.