Some Thoughts As We Enter The Holidays Pt. 2

Another Essay I'd Want to Read if I Was Stuck in an Airport, or Avoiding Family in the Bathroom

Happy Winter!

As Glennon Doyle would say, it continues to be the “most” time of year. 

Last month, I wrote some thoughts as we enter the holidays. I have some more.

Consider this your belated unofficial holiday survival guide and a bit of 2023 roundup.

As I said in the essay above, “this is not a post about gratitude or the joy of being with loved ones. Both of those things are wonderful. But that’s not what this essay is about.

These are my meandering, authentic, wild cozy free thoughts as we enter the holiday season and spring towards 2024. This is what I would want to read if my flight was delayed, or if I was hiding from distant relatives in the bathroom.”

Here we go.

Grief and Forced Joy

In the last few months, mortality and grief have been front of mind for me.  

If you’re not currently coping with the loss of a loved one, or supporting someone who is mourning, it might be tempting to scroll through this section and skip to my music, TV, or book recommendations. I hope that you read on, but I also understand if you’re looking for something lighter at this very moment.

An old friend, the same age as me, just lost her wife. Someone from my freshman-year dorm lost her father a few weeks later. Another friend of mine, from the same school, eerily, has a best friend who lost her mom a little while ago. My uncle unexpectedly passed away in September.

I’ve been thinking of one of my favorite quotes, from A Series of Unfortunate Events on grief. It always makes me tear up, and always rings true. 

"If you have ever lost a loved one, then you know exactly how it feels. And if you have not, then you cannot possibly imagine it." 

- Book 1, The Bad Beginning. Lemony Snicket.

You can try to imagine it, and cultivate as much empathy and support as you can. But you can never precisely imagine the depth of that kind of pain. 

Another quote from Grey’s Anatomy made me absolutely sob when I first heard it.

“The depth of grief that you felt with all the losses is the depth of love. As long as you're alive you get to feel it”

Grey’s Anatomy - Season 17, Episode 10.

Writers - Shonda Rhomes, Mark Driscoll, and Felicia Pride.

welcometothegriefclub

A post shared by @welcometothegriefclub

Grief is unimaginably hard to navigate at all times of the year. But the holidays are something else entirely. 

Be sensitive and supportive of your loved ones. Be extra kind to strangers. 

In a well-titled essay, called “Everyone Around You is Grieving. Go Easy.”,

John Pavlovitz

writes,

The day my father died, I was at the grocery store buying bananas.

I remember thinking to myself, “This is insane. Your dad just died. Why the hell are you buying bananas?”

But we needed bananas. We’d be waking up for breakfast tomorrow morning, and there wouldn’t be any bananas—so there I was.

And lots of other stuff still needed doing too, so over the coming days I would navigate parking lots, wait in restaurant lines, and sit on park benches; pushing back tears, fighting to stay upright, and in general always being seconds from a total, blubbering, room-clearing freak out.

I wanted to wear a sign that said: I JUST LOST MY DAD. PLEASE GO EASY.

Unless anyone passing by looked deeply into my bloodshot eyes or noticed the occasional break in my voice and thought enough to ask, it’s not like they’d have known what’s happening inside me or around me. They wouldn’t have had any idea of the gaping sinkhole that had just opened up and swallowed the normal life of the guy next to them in the produce section.…

Every single human being you pass by today is fighting to find peace and to push back fear; to get through their daily tasks without breaking down in the produce section or in the carpool line or at the post office.

Maybe they aren’t mourning the sudden, tragic passing of a parent, but wounded, exhausted, pain-ravaged people are everywhere, everyday stumbling all around us—and yet most of the time we’re fairly oblivious to them[.]”

I also liked this recent piece.

What Child is This? Welcoming A Peace-less Christmas.

I love twinkly lights, Christmas ornaments, cookies, and cheesy hallmark movies.

I don’t love forced joy and the expectation that every single part of December should be magical and full of joy. 

Last week in therapy, I cried so much that I worried I was making my therapist uncomfortable. (Talk about people pleasing, am I right?) 

The next evening, I taught my mom a Taylor Swift TikTok dance and we ate Italian food and watched Abbott Elementary.

After she left, I cried some more for no particular singular reason. 

The next day, a friend offered me her extra ticket for a new musical, starring one of my favorite actors. It was sensational. We had a blast. 

Both/And. Always Both/And. Hold space for all of your emotions this season. The laughter you can’t contain, and the grief you can’t box up and tie with a bow. 

Some Podcast Recommendations - 

More Glennon Doyle, obviously! 

How to Let Go of Perfection this Holiday Season 

And the only thing that I know for sure… I just feel like the reason that I try so hard to control environments and you try to control the environments, is because we don’t feel safe in our own bodies. We create these safe, outer things because we don’t know how to be safe inside ourselves - Glennon Doyle

Your Hilarious (& Heartwarming) Holiday Stories!

I can’t even pick one quote from this one. It’s just a wonderful listen.

#1 Repair Strategy with Dr. Becky 

There’s a strong likelihood that you may hurt someone’s feelings or have your feelings hurt, over the holidays. You will definitely get your feelings hurt, or hurt someone’s feelings, in the new year. This is a really good listen on how to actually apologize, instead of just saying “I’m sorry your feelings are hurt.” That doesn’t count. Let’s stop saying that in 2024, please.

And - if you want a good listen that isn’t holiday-themed, try anything from Nicole Byers’ Why Won’t You Date Me, Jesse Tyler Ferguson’s Dinner’s On Me, or Getting Curious with JVN.

Music

I will never forget the one and only time I had to work in a (mostly empty) office the day after Christmas. I remember it in vivid detail. That entire December, I listened to Jess Glynee and the Mary Poppins Returns soundtrack to get me through. I was also obsessed with Dumplin’ - the Dolly Parton movie, around that time.

Some other music recommendations that are a bit more current, for those times when you’re not feeling jolly and bright and don’t feel like listening to Christmas music. These are mostly from my Spotify Wrapped. 

This whole soundtrack + all Broadway.

I recommend listening to this on your way home for Christmas if you’re nervous about it. The chorus goes this shit’s gonna kill me but I won’t let it. Need I say more?) 

A really fun song that I discovered on TikTok and love.

Idina Menzel’s disco album. Didn’t know Idina had a disco album? You’re welcome. 

The Daisy Jones & The Six soundtrack. Also - watch the series and/or read the book.

Another good listen for the drive home, in my opinion. It gives me major “I’m a grown woman, I’m not 16 year old anymore, even if I sometimes feel like it at my parent’s house.” Something about the line, “I don’t have to explain myself to you, I’m a grown woman and I do what I want to do.” 

Nothing deep to say here. Just a bop. Also great if you’re going through a holiday breakup. 

And if you just want to listen to holiday music that’s sad or a little cynical, to remind yourself that not everyone is bopping around happy all the time this December - 

Some Things Bringing Me Joy and Comfort 

• The anecdote candles I got on Black Friday. My favorite is “Adulthood - Smells Like Steady Paychecks and Cashmere.” I also love “Homebody - Smells Like Invited and Not Going.” They also have a section called New Year, Old You, so these are really people. No, this is not a sponsorship. But hey, a girl can dream!

• Recommitting to my novel.

• Hot mulled wine and hot Coco with loads of marshmallows 

Things to Watch 

• Your old favorite music videos from highschool when you’re procrastinating the work you can barely get through (because we literally should not be working right now! Tangent – only absolutely essential work should be happening right now. Tell your coworker that that meeting can wait until January. Use the phrase “let’s circle back in the new year” as often as you can. A few weeks ago, I asked someone if they wanted to grab dinner soon and they said February looked good. I have so much respect for them. 

  • Also, I went down a rabbit hole and discovered that I haven’t seen a lot of music videos from some of my favorite songs! Like, I had never seen the Fight Song music video until yesterday. Horrible for me. I love Rachel Platten so much. I used to take a spin class from an instructor who knew Rachel right before the success of Fight Song. My instructor always talked about her, when we rode to Fight Song in class. Apparently Rachel was really discouraged and unsure about her career right before the release of the song. You never know when success is right around the corner. 

• Eloise at Christmastime.

  • It is so underrated. I just saw Gavin Creel live, in a brilliant original musical that he wrote, and I could barely handle being so physically close to the Bill from Eloise at Christmastime. He has had such a great career and yet that is my favorite role of his forever. Gavin will always be Bill to me, just like Zac Efron will always be Troy Bolton. 

• The Christmas episode of The Bear. It’s a lot but it’s a masterpiece. 

• Gilmore Girls, always.

• The Princess Switch. In the second and third part of the trilogy - Vanessa Hudgens plays THREE people. It’s amazing.

• Single All The Way. I started watching it in August this year (after falling in love with it last year) and I now know it by heart. It’s just so good. 

• Christmas in the Square. Star studded cast. Dolly Parton plays an ANGEL. There’s tons of amazing group musical theater numbers. Need I say more? 

• Dance Dreams: Hot Chocolate Nutcracker - A documentary about Debbie Allen's career her group of dance students as they prepare for their winter show.

• Matilda, the movie musical. I watched this on Christmas morning last year, and rewinded to watch the final scene three times. Absolutely bawled. Very cathartic though. 

• The Schitts Creek Holiday Episode.

• Lessons in Chemistry. So good. Really well written. Speaking of grief though, big big TW for grief if you haven’t read the book (which I hadn’t, but plan to!) 

• Schmigadoon. Delightful. My musical theater heart rejoiced.

Books I Loved This Year

The Last Flight - Julie Clark

In Five Years - Rebecca Serle (I actualy read this last year, but I just think it needs to be on the list because it’s on my mind lately.)

The Midnight Library - Matt Haig

The Sunset Crowd - Karin Tanabe

I could say a lot about all of these but honestly, I didn’t know a lot about them before I read them - so I’ll give you the option of having that experience as well!

Things I’m Looking Forward to in January 

Keeping my Christmas Tree Up.

New Year Authentic You. I’d love to see you at Authenticity Tuesdays conversations (free!) or the Finding Your Authentic Rhythm workshop (ticketed.) I’m cohosting with Nataly Q. Details on both here.

A few truths/admissions to normalize that feeling of “what is even happening?” and general existential dread that you likely feel, or will feel at some point before the year ends - 

• I genuinely feel like the first part of this year was a different year. I was trying to reflect on January - June and some parts are truly a blur. I remember January and February pretty well because of some various projects, my birthday being in February, and a not so great mental health spell. What did I do in March, April, and May you ask? Great question. Your guess is as good as mine.

• I lost my wallet for a few days last week and actively thought “well that happened. I guess I’m a person without a wallet now.” Because the thought of looking through my house for this wallet felt insurmountable. Thankfully, I found it a day later. 

• I went to 3 parties and a movie a few weeks ago and I’m still recovering. I literally didn’t leave my house for 3 days afterwards. One of my favorite organizations is doing a holiday party at the end of January (as they did last year) and I’m excited to actually be able to enjoy it. I’m enjoying all the holiday fare of December, but also I’m perpetually exhausted. Keep doing holiday things in January, if you want. Keep listening to holiday music. Watch the Hallmark movies. Keep your tree up. Mine will up until February. 

• I was listening to Fight Song on repeat today, as one does, and the lyric, “all of those things I didn’t say, wrecking balls inside my brain.”, really stuck out.

  If you can’t say what you want to say in the moment during the holidays, make sure you find another way to release those emotions. Scream into a pillow in your childhood bedroom. Take a walk around the block after Christmas dinner. Go listen to your favorite song and have a mini dance party in the bathroom.* If you can’t tell from my previous posts, I am a really big fan of hiding in the bathroom.

• The excerpt below from We Can Do Hard Things makes me feel so much better about myself. I was literally taking a shower when I listened to it. In this section, they're talking about the idea of “eating the frog”, usually attributed to a quote by Mark Twain. The gist is that you should do your hardest thing first; the thing you have to do but don’t want to do. But the biggest takeaway for me, is that everyone finds “easy” things hard sometimes.

Amanda Doyle:

So for me it’s showering. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it’s like…. I get it to some people, personal hygiene, to some people treat. I will go days where I have slept in whatever I sleep in, wake up, go the whole day still in those clothes and go to bed in the same clothes that I slept in the night before. And it’s just because I don’t need to leave my house. I work from home, whatever.

Glennon Doyle:

To be clear, you work from your bed. So she doesn’t need to leave her bed.

Amanda Doyle:

I literally don’t. That’s another story. That started with my broken toe where they said I had to work from a bed and then I was like, “Oh my God, why have I not been doing this for my entire life?”

Glennon Doyle:

Treat the frog. Treat the frog, sissy.

Amanda Doyle:

Treat the frog. But I often feel like I don’t need to take a shower, but every time I do it, I’m like, “That was a great idea. Good for me.”

We Can Do Hard Things Ep 175 | Momastery - Life Hacks, Strategies to Suffer Less

A quote I heard this week and loved. 

"Why should I be framed?... Boxes are always too small. I celebrate my imperfections, I do my days in joy. I'm never the same, but I'm always myself.”  Emma Watson

I love the sentence “I’m never the same but I’m always myself. It ties in with my lifelong theme of surprising myself.

I changed both my Thanksgiving and Christmas plans at the last minute this year. My intuition really surprised me.

Those changes also required changes for the people around me - who graciously adjusted.  It’s important to have the right community around you as you cultivate authenticity — you’re going to need to pivot some times. You’re going to change your mind about things. You’re going to show up differently in the world. And that’s a really beautiful and uncomfortable thing. 

Choosing yourself is uncomfortable. Disappointing other people is uncomfortable. But it’s the right kind of hard. 

---

Have the “most” holiday season. And be the most yourself along the way. Whatever that means to you.

And for anyone who needs to hear it today — it’s okay not to spend the holidays with your family. It’s okay to spend the holidays however you want to. You know what’s best for you. Do that, if you can.

And if you have no choice but to spend the holidays somewhere that you’re uncomfortable, I’m holding you close in my thoughts, and hoping that you find the support you need.

I’ll see you in 2024.

PS - I’m finally taking a week off! Next week, I’ll send out a non-exhaustive* roundup of some of my favorite essays that I’ve written and read. (If I wrote all of my favorite pieces from this year, you’d be reading until 2025. There’s so much good writing here!) If you have a favorite piece ( (of mine, or someone else’s!) that you think I should include, let me know by this Friday, December 22nd. After that, I’m officially out of office. It feels so scary to write that! But I feel like if I announce it, I have to do it. I’m so bad at taking breaks. I’m actively trying to change that. 

So if I publish a new essay next week… feel free to hold me accountable. Unless it’s really really good. In that case, you’re welcome. 

PSS - I have a surprise addition coming up in January for New Year Authentic You. Very ‘‘scited (scared and excited) to tell you about it.