I Want More

On longing, adventurous sprits, love, and having everything you need inside of you. A long overdue tribute to my favorite Disney movie and new live action remake.

Growing up, the arc of my life was largely punctuated by wanting something more. Something beyond my present circumstances. Something I couldn’t quite articulate.

More, more, more.

A constant chanting chorus in my head. Like waves lapping at the shore, insistent and never-ending. Unable to be silenced or quelled.

My parents would sometimes sing “she wants moreeeee” to me when I asked for a toy or the like. An ode to my favorite Disney movie, The Little Mermaid.

They thought that I wanted more gadgets and gizmos aplenty, and part of me did. But I also wanted something else. Something I didn’t quite have the language for yet. 

In highschool, I distinctly remember wondering what everyone else was doing at 2pm on Wednesdays while I was stuck in Algebra. I didn’t know exactly what I’d rather be doing, but I knew that I’d rather be anywhere but there.

I ended up going to a school called The Mountain School for a few months during my junior year. It’s a semester school for juniors, located on a small farm in Vershire, Vermont. A far cry from my New York City apartment, cell phone service, and many other comforts. I applied because I had fallen out with almost all of the friends, over something inconsequential that I could tell you I don’t remember but we all know I absolutely do. I was completely miserable and craving a new start. I was willing to do anything and go anywhere to get that new start. 

The time I spent at The Mountain School ended up being nothing short of transformative. It’s a place that will always be incredibly special to me. It’s where I was given the space, freedom, and courage to become who I was meant to be.

When I decided to go to there, most of my friends and family thought I had lost my mind.. I’d never been camping, the thought of farming and working with dirt mystified me, and I was afraid of cows. While they kept asking ‘why?’ I opted to ask ‘why not?’

I got to know myself in a way that I never would have had I not taken such a leap of faith.A fire was lit in me to go confidently towards new experiences and challenges that arose in my life and look at them as opportunities to challenge myself and broaden my horizons.

In my sophomore year of college, I found myself once again craving a new adventure. There were no friend issues this time — just that familiar longing for something different, something more. That wild stirring on my soul.

If Glennon Doyle had already written Untamed, I would have absolutely echoed the sentiment, “wasn’t it all supposed to be more beautiful than this?”

I spent a year away from college in L.A., at home in New York, and in London. Another transformative, deeply unique experience. Here’s the instagram caption, from the post I shared on the ride up to Vassar at the beginning of my senior year. 

More on my year away from Vassar another time. That’s a whole essay in itself. Back to the Little Mermaid.

In both the classic and live action Little Mermaid, Ariel longed for something more beyond her predetermined roles, long before she met Eric. In the live action movie, Eric is given a lot more depth and backstory - he’s a prince who was adopted (this part isn’t elaborated on too much) and wasn’t raised in the royal world. 

Two people bound by duty and roles, searching for more, when they’ve been confined to land and sea.

The shipwreck that caused them to meet just accelerated her journey to land. She didn’t give up her voice because she was in love with Eric. She was fascinated by the human world and pissed at her father for destroying her treasure trove. 

She temporarily gave up her voice for a chance at her wildest dream: connection and a new adventure to an unknown place that has always held her curiosity. 

Ariel’s desires were good, even if her methods were a little questionable.

And yeah, she’s also smitten with Eric. So what? She’s a young rebellious mermaid princess, and he’s a down to earth prince who wants to explore the sea beyond his kingdom. Oh, and he has a really cute dog.

Many of us are looking to escape our everyday circumstances. To go somewhere new, exciting, and full of freedom. Love stories promise us a savior that will rescue us and deliver us to a far off land. But as many of us know, here in reality, we often have to save ourselves, and take ourselves on our own adventures. 

There is absolutely danger in believing that love and happily ever after will save us. Romantic love is surely not the end all cure for anything. There are entire generations of kids who were brought up on fairytales full of damsels in distress. Myself included.

And yet, love stories do possess hope, inspiration, and joy. Love is a really powerful, transformative thing. You can save yourself, and get a little help from someone who wants to join you on your path and hold your hand while you walk towards the life that you want.

I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon. - Sally, Practical Magic

I don’t think anyone of any age will walk away from the live action version of The Little Mermaid thinking that Eric rescued Ariel. There is literally a scene at the end when they’re fighting Ursula and Eric goes “take my hand!” and then immediately lets go of it because he’s having trouble swimming! And also, let’s not forget that the first time they met, Ariel saved his actual life. He is charming, but he is not the sun. He’s more than “Just Ken” but he is still a far cry from a savior. 

It boils down to this: Peace is your home. Integrity is the way to it. And everything you long for will meet you there.

- Martha Beck, The Way of Integrity⠀

In daily life, I often paraphrase this quote in my head and tell myself “everything you’ve ever wanted is waiting for you on the other side of peace. (I guess it’s my brain combining Martha Beck’s words with George Adair’s  related quote “Everything you've ever wanted is sitting on the other side of fear.”)

To me, peace is a lighthouse with golden wood floors and cozy freedom. I feel like I can find that lighthouse if I just keep walking. If I can just get far enough down the beach, and withstand the demanding waves lapping at my feet and the harsh judgmental sun scorching my sore ankles. To me, that lighthouse is my version of a disney happy ever after. It’s the place I’m running towards every time I find myself craving something more.

But recently I’ve found myself wondering, what if there’s another way to reach my  lighthouse? What if there’s another way to approach my longing?

What if there’s a different song to be heard in the waves, if I try a different rhythm? 

What if that thing I’ve been longing for is more within reach than I ever thought possible? What if the lighthouse is closer than I think?

What if the thing I always thought existed outside of myself was within me along?

At the end of one of my favorite Kristin McGee yoga classes, she reminds us that “everything you need is already inside of you.” I scoffed the first time I heard her say that. But I’ve come around quite a bit.

I wouldn’t be who I am without some of my adventures. And I also had the answers I was searching for all along.

Just like another storybook character we all know and love.

"You've always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself."

- Glinda the Good to Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz.

I talk about fairy tales in a previous essay called Straw to Gold. I call it a case for everyday magic.

So I think I’ll call this essay a case for trusting your longing and desire for more AND realizing that you likely already have the answers and strength and peace and anything else you’re searching for within you.

And also, it’s a reminder to watch The Little Mermaid. Both the classic and the remake. They’re both on Disney+ — you’re welcome.