What Authenticity Means to Sharon Varghese Chan LMHC and Scott Abbott MA, LMHC
On the psychological benefits of authenticity
A few quick announcements before diving into today’s incredible conversations with Sharon and Scott!
My new book THE START OF IT ALL is now available for preorder!
I’m so excited to share this book with you!
The Start of It All is a 20-something’s guide to empowerment, resilience, and authenticity at the dawn of adulthood. This book is full of questions exploring community, self-growth, friendship, romantic relationships, and more. Each question is paired with an anecdotal story straight from my 20s.
Learn more and preorder below.
Authenticity Tuesdays are BACK!
Join us on Tuesdays from 8 - 9PM EST for group conversations about what authenticity means to you, and how to cultivate more of it in your life. Last night, we had a great discussion about authentic connection. Sign up below to be added to the mailing list and calendar invite, so that you’ll receive the zoom link + next week’s prompts!
That’s all for now!
I’m so excited to share this insight on authenticity from two wonderful clinicians, Sharon Varghese Chan, and Scott Abbott!
I first met Sharon at an event I attended last year (which I wrote about here!) and have so enjoyed staying connected with her and getting to know her colleagues. In addition to this post, you’ll also get to hear from another clinician at Abbott Mental Health on Friday!
Sharon Varghese Chan is a licensed mental health counselor in NYC. She fosters a warm, empathetic and safe environment to help clients feel comfortable and confident in session. Sharon has practiced in diverse settings and is experienced in anxiety, depression, relationship issues, multicultural counseling, and trauma/PTSD. Using forms of psychotherapy and EMDR, Sharon enjoys walking alongside clients as they explore, break, and develop new patterns in thoughts and behaviors.
Scott is uniquely competent in integrating clinical expertise and Christian spirituality in a holistic treatment approach to thoughts, behaviors and trauma. He has two decades of experience in faith-based psychotherapy, mental health counseling, and inpatient rehabilitation. Scott specializes in sexual addiction breakthrough, substance abuse recovery, trauma processing (utilizing EMDR), anxiety relief, relational connection, anger management, identity formation, and faith/work/life/sex integration. He works primarily with adult individuals and couples.
What does authenticity mean to you?
SHARON
Authenticity to me is being in tune with your inner self (your motives, desires, feelings, values, etc), and acting in ways congruent with this sense of self as you move through the world.
SCOTT
Authenticity is when your outer expression matches your inner reality. This includes feelings, beliefs, values, desires, and identity.
What are some of the psychological benefits of authenticity?"
SHARON
Here are just a few: improved self-esteem, reduced defensiveness, improved mindfulness, meaningful goal planning, and a more peaceful/harmonious state of mind due to the congruence of our beliefs and behaviors.
SCOTT
When we live inauthentically, we have to work harder to maintain the False Self and protect against shame, which taxes us psychologically. As a therapist, I love witnessing the “Before & After” of the shame-based, conflicted person who becomes the liberated, authentic person. It might require more discipline and risk, but it is ultimately so worth it!
How can living authentically impede and bolster connection?
SCOTT
Unfortunately, living authentically can sometimes impede connection, because others are uncomfortable with it–particularly when they haven’t experienced that level of freedom themselves. If the other individual is operating out of their “False Self,” then your “Authentic Self” exposes that difference. More hopefully, though, living authentically can bolster connection, in that you are modeling something that others yearn for. You make it feel safer for them to vulnerably take the risk to be authentic because you’ve already broken the ice.
SHARON
Authenticity can foster truthfulness and openness in relationships, help us be more balanced in our stances, and reduce defensiveness in our interactions - all of which can bolster connection.
If we take the natural expression of authenticity and turn it into self-absorption or a compulsive need to express ourselves, that can impede genuine connection with others.
How do you recognize others’ authenticity?
SHARON
I think it takes a relationship with the person to get a sense of if they are practicing authenticity, but here are a few general indicators of authenticity to me:
Being slow to speak, and speech that is measured, balanced and thoughtful. This can show me the other is listening well, tuning into self, and trying to express themselves congruent with their inner thoughts and values (rather than being swayed by people pleasing, negative consequences, etc.)
Respectful expression of a differing opinion, when a) there is pressure of a more popular opinion, or b) expression of that differing opinion could lead to negative consequences (whether they actually occur or not)
Less need to be verbally defensive about themselves
How do we decide who we want to share our authenticity with? Do we owe it to everyone?
SCOTT
I wouldn’t prescribe living inauthentically, but I would also commend wise restraint. I’d suggest living out authenticity with prudence and discernment, based on your audience or the level of safety you feel with someone. There are times to hold back the degree to which you express something sacred or precious, like when the other party has displayed immaturity or even disrespect for such disclosures in the past. As Jesus said, “Don’t cast your pearls before swine.”
SHARON
I think most importantly, you owe it to yourself to be authentic. Acting and behaving in a way that is not congruent with your feelings/values can cause you to carry stress, discomfort, anxiety, and lead to other issues.
I think of authenticity less so in regards to “who” to share it with, but moreso “how” to operate. Part of authenticity is tuning into your feelings and values in the moment, and in that process, you might get a sense of what to share with someone (or not) and why. Most importantly is tuning in to going on internally, considering what you know about yourself and the context you are in.
I tell people that not everyone deserves to have full access to you – your life, feelings, values, inner workings of your heart, etc. You being authentic with stranger might look like you simply voicing an opinion or setting a boundary. Meanwhile, you being authentic with a close friend can look like deeper conversations fostering openness and truth.
Genuine, close, embodied relationships are the ideal place for developing your sense of self, understanding your emotions or reactions, and practicing authenticity.
Any negative connotations of authenticity that you’ve heard, or been wary of?
SHARON
I would say to not cling too tightly to one idea of your authentic self. Your views, feelings and values can change as we are in an ever-evolving world. Be open to what you’re noticing internally and adaptive to changes in your view of self
How are you hoping to cultivate more authenticity in 2024? What are some ways you already have? Any practices or routines you’d like to share?
SCOTT
I am cultivating more authenticity in 2024 by increasing the alignment of my identity, goals and actions. There are things I’ve thought or talked about for a long time. These are the “should's” and “nice-to-have’s,” but I am now doing things that align more with those goals, values and the person I want to become–which is really the authentic self I believe I was made to be.
SHARON
I would love to work on being more careful and intentional with my words. Sometimes I see myself filling a silence, for example, to make another more comfortable (or so I think), when the interaction may have been more meaningful if I had tuned into what I was feeling internally before responding
I think social media can sometimes be disorienting for navigating identity and authenticity. One thing I try to practice is downloading social media apps to use for a particular purpose or set amount of time, and then when I’m done, deleting the apps until next time. This can be a seemingly small barrier to some, but it helps me tune-in with myself and my purpose for looking at social media before I can otherwise mindlessly engage.
To learn more about Sharon and Scott’s work, visit abbottmentalhealth.com.
Next up, you’ll be hearing from Sharon and Scott’s colleague, Kayris, this Friday.