This year, I’ve surprised myself quite a bit. I’ve reflected on this theme a few times over here at Wild Cozy Free. My imagination surprised me when I wrote Knives and Honey, a country murder ballad. The direction of my life surprised me when I decided to become a life coach. Starting this blog surprised me – it was less of a decision and more of an experiment. What if I started a blog, and published weekly essays about whatever I want? I thought to myself back in May.
In my first-ever essay, this is the description that I gave for what I thought the blog would be –
You can expect a short or long-form personal essay once a week. Some will be more thought out and consist of topics that have been on my mind for a while. Others will read like diary entries written when the world is quiet and my mind is loud. Maybe I’ll write more frequently, eventually.
I expanded on this idea and decided to publish songs and poems pretty quickly. That was a big surprise. A big, vulnerable surprise. As much as I fantasized about being a famous Disney channel pop star, I never thought that my songs would make it out of the plastic binder I kept them in, in middle school.
I think my favorite song so far has been Storybook Undone. I wrote it the night after I finished reading A Doll’s House Part 2, by Lucas Hnath. The original play, A Doll’s House, had a huge impact on me in high school.
“Henrik Ibsen prompted a lot of controversy and speculation in 1879 when the leading character in his play “A Doll’s House,” depressed over the state of her life and marriage, decided to leave her husband and children. Nora Helmer walked out with what has been called the “door slam heard around the world.”
Over the last century, many people have wondered what became of Nora. What might life have been like for a solo Norwegian woman with no means of support in the late 19th century? A short-lived musical called “A Doll’s Life” provided some answers (most of them unpleasant).
Rising playwright Lucas Hnath had ideas of his own, which turned into “A Doll’s House, Part 2.” It has become the most produced new play at theaters across the country[.]”
I wrote the lyric excerpt below from the perspective of Nora Helmer. I picture her singing these words right after she slams the door in the original play.
And now that I’m free
I can learn to just be me
Not who I thought I was
Who you thought you loved
She’s not here no more
She walked through the door
Oh watch me run
Watch me tumble on
I’ve been learning to “just be me” in quite a few ways myself lately. I‘ve walked through some metaphorical doors. I’ve continued to surprise myself, as I’ve learned to welcome more ease and authenticity into my life.
Just this week, I surprised myself by going to a Broadway Rave. The Broadway part was not the surprise – the rave was. Me having dinner at 9:00 AM and then dancing from midnight to 3:00 AM is a complete surprise.
And yet also – me singing Popular at the top of my lungs as we made our way out of the building? Not such a surprise.
A few days later, I headed to a holiday housewarming party hosted by the same friend who I went to the rave with. I was determined to wear one of my favorite bracelets, which also happens to be really hard to put on by myself.
Additionally, I chose to wear another bracelet that I had made at the [gather] winter anniversary party* that same weekend (Busy weekend, I know!) The bracelet says, Authentic. Merriam Webster’s word of the year - and my personal favorite.
*wrote another essay about surprising myself at my [gather] event a few months ago, here!
I had a really hard time making that Authenticity bracelet. I was socializing and meeting lots of new people while crafting, and very distracted. And yet, everyone around me seemed to have the hang of making these bracelets! At one point I flat out said, “Are you guys really good at this, or am I really bad at this?!”
One of my new friends gently but boldly pointed out, “It seems like you’re trying to thread the string through the bead, instead of holding the string still and letting the bead slide onto the string like I’m doing. I think the way I’m doing it is easier.”
She was right. Her way was much easier. I profusely thanked her and finished the rest of my bracelet in no time.
“Yeah, you were making that way harder than it needed to be.” Not a surprise at all.
Back to my favorite bracelet.
To be clear, I don’t just fiddle with it for a few minutes. I truly deeply struggle to put this bracelet on every single time. I really need to invest in one of those gadgets that makes it easier for people to put on jewelry alone. Now and then, I get lucky and clasp it in a few tries, but today I had no such luck.
As I stood there, sweating and swearing, watching the clock tick by, eager to get to my friend’s party, I stared at my new Authentic bracelet and thought of the words of my new friend from the [gather] party.
“You were making that way harder than it needed to be.”
What if I was making this way harder too?
I can’t let everything be easy. No one can. To make a huge understatement - there are many inevitable hard parts of life. Unspeakable things that we’re all battling on a personal and global scale every single day. I chose the word “battling” very intentionally. I know that every single person reading this is dealing with their own hard thing right now, as Glennon Doyle would call it. I am too. I am too.
So all this being said, why not let things that can be easy, be easy?
Buy the cookies instead of making them, unless making them truly brings you joy. Tell everyone to bring a side to Christmas instead of cooking the whole meal by yourself, if you hate the burden of cooking every year. Take something off your plate that you don’t have to do.
I didn’t wear my favorite bracelet to that holiday housewarming. I gave it one last try, before putting it down, throwing my coat on, and slamming the door. (Doll’s house pun absolutely intended.)
Yes, it’s my favorite bracelet. But it wasn’t worth missing time with my friends. I didn’t need to look perfect, I just needed to show up authentically, with my new authenticity bracelet in tow (which may be my new favorite.)
The universe immediately rewarded me for my choice. I hopped on the bus and ran into my friend’s adorable nephew and his mom, who were on the way to a playdate. I definitely would’ve missed that bus, if I hadn’t given up on putting on that difficult bracelet when I did.
Authentic may be my favorite word of the year (I didn’t pay anyone at Merriam Webster, I promise) but my favorite phrase is clearly a tie between “let yourself surprise yourself” and “let it be easy.”
2023 surprised me. This holiday season has surprised me. And I have a feeling 2024 will too. Like the beads of a bracelet, coming together one by one to create something beautiful.
And amidst all these surprises, I plan to keep asking myself, how can I let it be easy? How can I keep showing up for myself authentically and with ease? And to take it a step further – how do I stay true to myself, even when I know my choices might surprise other people?
If you want to keep exploring questions like these, I’d love to see you for my “New Year, Authentic You” conversations, on Tuesdays from 8:00-9:00pm EST in January. We’ll chat about what authenticity means to you, and how to cultivate more of it in your life. All on Zoom and completely free. Come to one session, or all four.
Sign up here!
And if 1:1 conversations are more your style - I totally get it, I’m an extroverted introvert. This weekend with the Broadway rave and holiday parties was a blast but totally unlike me! I've been hibernating since Sunday.
Become a paid subscriber at any level, to receive two 60-minute coaching sessions with me, anytime before January 31st. Additionally, you’ll get access to my paid-subscriber-only essays, which include past and future content.
I’ll see you next week, for the second to last essay of 2023 (wild, I know!!!)
I’ll close out with one of my favorite Idina Menzel songs from If/Then, appropriately titled, SURPRISE. It’s such a dramatic listen if you don’t know the plot of the musical. If it helps, Idina Menzel plays two different versions of the same characters on alternate timelines, so this song captures the storylines of two different groups of people played by the same ensemble of actors. It’s confusing at times, but so wonderful. And one of my favorite musicals - I saw it like 6 times. Highly recommend. We’ll talk about it another time.
No more surprises, your life's on track
I'm moving forward, I won't go back
So let your heart win and let the doubt be gone
No more surprises
I'm moving on
The ease of your friendship is felt strongly. Thank you for choosing ease! Thank you for inviting me into that ease! So proud of you!