"Everyone Is Doing Better Than You."

My Brain’s Favorite Little Lie

My brain is amazing at picking out one seemingly inconsequential detail about a person and then using that detail to spin an entire imagined narrative about why their life is better than mine. 

That girl in the matching athleisure set jogging in Central Park? She works out every single morning; she’s more disciplined than me.

The construction worker laughing with his buddies? He has more joy in his life and doesn’t sweat the small stuff.

The really friendly cashier who compliments me on my choice of wine? He has a weekly dinner night with his best friends. 

That couple in the window across from my apartment, with the really pretty string lights? Their apartment is immaculate, and therefore their life is more together than mine.

(That last one was an even bigger stretch than the rest — I don’t even know if a couple really lives in that apartment. All I’ve ever seen are the twinkly lights. My brain took the reins from there and decided that a really chic couple lives in that apartment. And that their lives are better than mine.) 

Of course, I don’t actually really believe that any one life is “better” than another.

Except if I’m feeling particularly depressed or anxious. In that case, I really will write you an English essay on why a girl with longer hair than mine has a better life than me. Sure, I only saw her for .5 seconds as we were crossing the street in opposite directions. But I could just tell. Her life is better. I’ll build a thesis from there.

Anyway,  it’s all subjective. Even the person who I think has the “best life ever” is likely longing for something more. 

Maybe the girl with longer hair wishes that she could pull off a bob. And the woman I see jogging in Central Park is recovering from an injury that kept her from running the marathon. And the construction worker laughing with his buddies secretly hates his coworkers. And the really friendly cashier who compliments me on my choice of wine hasn’t talked to their best friend in months.

Everything I just wrote could be true or false. I made it up. We all walk around making up stories about strangers, every single day.

We also make up stories about ourselves.

I sometimes tell myself that I’m not a disciplined enough writer, even though I’ve been writing an essay every week since May (almost 30 in total.)

I recently told a friend “I wish I was better at having fun.” One of my clients recently called me “the patron saint of fun” and wrote a gorgeous testimonial (excerpt below) about how I helped them re-incorporate fun into their life.

I had a major breakthrough a couple of hours after our fourth session. I realized that what I really want for my 30s is to have a lot of fun. That might sound silly to you, but for someone who spent his 20s worrying and working for his future and the issues he cares about, it's kind of a life-changing discovery. Alexa picked up on this realization and helped me think through how fun can become a part of every aspect of my life, from my style to my job to my relationships.

When people ask if I’m a good cook, I have to stop myself from saying “sort of!” I am a really great cook. I made restaurant-quality shrimp scampi a few weeks ago. My cousins couldn’t stop raving over my slow cooker apple crisp at Thanksgiving. I have never made a bad plate of pasta in my LIFE. At Friendsgiving a few years ago, I made mushroom gravy, butternut squash mac and cheese, and vegetarian meatballs from scratch. 

The stories we tell ourselves, about ourselves, are important. 

We are so quick to put ourselves down and so quick to assume the best in others.

What if we started extending ourselves some of that grace?

I went to a panel a few weeks ago, where Nina Brandt and Sharon Varghese Chan left us with the simple and impactful takeaways below.

“When asked for their final takeaways for the night, Nina responded “Be kind to yourself” while Sharon noted, “We’re all doing our best.” Two reminders that I know we could all use right now, and always.”

Another beautiful reminder from the panel that I loved, and have been implementing in my own life this past year, is – 

Keep a record of things that are going well/nice things people say to you so that you can look back at them in moments of vulnerability and self-doubt. (ex: compliments, nice e-mails, etc.) Give your brain some positive data points to fight negativity bias.

-from My first [Gather] Event

Here are a few gems from my compliments jar this year (yes, I have a physical jar! It’s a cleaned-out candle jar.)

“That’s you. Taking care of people.”   

- My friend turned to me and said this during a viewing of Mamma Mia, during the scene when Christine Baranski and Julie Walters are consoling Meryl Streep while they sing  Chiquitita. 

“Your risks are beautiful.”

-A friend said this to me on a FaceTime catchup a few months ago, as we discussed a recent shift I made.

As I wrap up this essay, my brain is telling me that I should’ve “worked harder” on this essay. That it isn’t good enough. That it could’ve been better.

Maybe it could’ve been.

And maybe it’s just fine the way it is.

Maybe I’m just fine the way I am. More than fine.

And so are you.

P.S. If you enjoy my blog, consider becoming a paid subscriber! ALL of my paid subscribers (at every level!) will receive two 1 hour coaching sessions, now - January 31st. You can use the sessions yourself or gift them to someone else, or do a combo. You’ll also have access to future paid content (which could include anything from more coaching offers, to long form writing, to a sneak peek at some of the creative writing projects I’m working on - both playwriting and my very first novel.) Check out my essay, Why I Became A Life Coach, and learn more about this offer below. Always happy to answer questions.