It’s Okay to Feel Like a Mess

My first dedicated solo episode of the pod! Some stream of consciousness real realness to start off the “most” wonderful time of the year.

TW: I feel like you guys know this from my past posts and episodes - but this is an adult conversation.

And also - another TW for mention of suicide, suicidal ideation, and mental health challenges.

I’m uploading this at a coffee shop near my apartment because my apartment doesn’t currently have Wi-Fi. The coffee shop doesn’t technically have Wi-Fi either, but it’s near a free Wi-Fi network I’m using. I’m also eating my first meal of the day (a croissant) and my second dose of caffeine (an oat chai latte).

I’m leaving for Chicago tomorrow morning, and I have nothing packed. I’m heading straight from there to San Diego, and then straight back to New York for the holidays.

I cannot explain how bone-tired I am. I have been SO on the go this entire trip. It’s been so incredible to be back here, and my schedule has been full of mostly wonderful things. And yet, there is so much going on in my life right now. So much to figure out. So much change afoot (which I’ll share later).

I feel like, emotionally shredded. It is a Hard Candy Christmas moment if there ever was one.

This is one of those moments where I really want to talk about what I’m feeling without talking about the specifics and the context of it all. And so in this episode, I’m doing just that.

I still can’t remember the exact essay she wrote about this in, but I specifically remember

Julia Bedell

teaching me early on in my time on substack, that you can talk about something without sharing all the details. Thank you so much for that permission, Julia. I come back to that sentiment often.

Also, they are playing a really great Miley Cyrus playlist in this coffee shop and it’s somehow lifting my spirits AND also making me want to burst into tears and roll up in a ball on the floor. Life’s so fun!

I also want to shout out

cara alwill

and all the amazing writers from The Tortured Bloggers’ Department who I got to be in community with on Monday night. It was the best way to celebrate my return to NYC.

Okay. That’s it. Enjoy the episode, and let me know if you’re feeling messy too?

xx