You’re Free to Think Whatever You Want About Me

Hello!

I’m writing/recording this around 7 or 8 PM on Pride Sunday, eating chili on my couch.

I could not be more comfortable in my denim and my t-shirt.

I'm gonna go on a date in a little bit, but I thought we'd chat first.

I feel so free.

I feel so good in my body,

That’s kind of crazy to say, considering some of the personal stuff I'm going through right now. I'm going through some really, really hard stuff.

But in my body at this exact moment, I feel so good and free.

For Pride Sunday, I wore this outfit that I loved, which is more revealing than what I usually wear.

I'm approaching my dating life very differently than I did in my early 20s and my 20s in general.

And I am just really not trying to prove anything to anyone anymore.

I think that attitude has grown out of the compassion I’ve built for myself.

My thoughts used to go, “Well, if I do that, then it means this.”

“If I go on this date at this time, it means I’m a slut.”

“If I wear this outfit, it means I’m asking to be harassed.”

“If I eat this…” You get it.

And now I’m just doing what I want.

It’s not just that I used to lack compassion for myself. I was mean to myself.

I had all of these miserable rules for myself. I policed myself.

I once told a nutritionist I didn't eat rice.

She, of course, asked why.

“I just don't.”

“Why don't you eat rice?”

“I eat rice on holidays.”

“Why can't you eat rice right now?”

“I just don’t.”

And that was just a made-up rule that I made up because I decided that rice was fattening. I would only eat white rice on Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I made up a million rules like that for myself, so that I could judge myself in all categories of my life, not just my body.

I have done a lot of work on myself to be less punishing and judgmental.

I’ve gotten better at knowing what I want, and knowing that I know myself, and trust myself.

And now that I’m more compassionate with myself, I’m less tolerant of other people’s judgments and opinions.

My people know me. Because I am letting them know the real me, not the policed, constricted, controlled me. They know me, love me, and give me grace

It’s very freeing.

If someone wants to judge me the way I used to judge myself, and pick me apart over one little thing they think they know about me?

They’re free to do that.

I read an Instagram post today that was like, “I am done correcting people's rumors about me. Go ahead. Say it again.”

That’s the energy I’m bringing into the rest of this year and beyond.

You think I'm crazy? Say it again.

You think I'm a slut? Say it again.

You think I'm too emotional? Say it again.

You think I'm too vulnerable? Say it again.

You think I cry a lot? Say it again.

I’m not saying that because I want people to believe untrue things about me.

I’m saying it because I have nothing to prove

I have nothing to prove to people who make me feel like I have to prove something to them.

I want to express myself, show up with integrity, and show who I am. I also have certain standards for myself that I do want to meet.

But that feels like a much different energy than trying to prove something.

I'm here.

I'm worthy.

I'm making mistakes,

I'm having some wins,

I'm having some losses,

I'm muddling around,

And I have nothing to prove.

I am worthy, and I have nothing to prove.

You are worthy, and you have nothing to prove.

More on worthiness and a big reckoning I had around what it means to be worthy, while I was in San Diego — in the audio recording.

Speaking of San Diego, have you checked out New Yorker Goes West?