The Happiest Strangers

Stories I Make Up About People Walking Down The Street

I thought about publishing an old draft or putting together something a little more polished. But I’m not feeling polished. I’m feeling messy and unrefined and well… wild cozy free! And that is what this blog is all about!

No announcements, no frills, just me and my stream of consciousness musings this week. If you’re new here and want to learn more about what’s going on in my world and more ways to connect with me, check out the post below.

---

My favorite thing to do when I’m a little depressed, is to make up stories about how every single stranger passing me on the sidewalk is happier than I am. It’s my brain’s sneaky way of playing the comparison game.

The guy leaning on his bike and the guy next to him with his scooter — they’ve been best friends for years. They ran into each other on their daily rides and planned to just say a quick hello, but ended up talking on the corner for an hour.

The girl coming out of the playground with her mom — she just got a new haircut and was so excited to show all of her friends at school today. Everyone loved it. Her mom is so happy that she’s so happy. The man who joins them a block away from the park is her dad, surprising both mom and daughter on the walk home. Or maybe mom’s boyfriend, who the daughter is incredibly fond of.

The young woman walking down the street with a canvas bag slung over her shoulder, chatting on the phone — she’s telling her friends about the dinner she plans to make with the ingredients she picked up from Trader Joe’s.

The middle-school-aged-looking girls who almost scootered straight into me — they decided to be best friends during recess today, and they’re pumped about it.

The two men who passed me right before I entered my building — one guy looks old enough to be the other one’s father. They’re catching up and having dinner tonight. They haven’t seen each other in a while, and they’re both more excited on the inside than they’ll let on.

The delivery guy who got on the elevator with me — he seems tired but my brain still convinces me that he is undoubtedly happier, somehow.

Everyone at my local Whole Foods is definitely happier — they all get along super well and they are best friends and they hang out on Fridays.

Just like my neighbor who has a huge group of people over every other Friday or so. She is around my age and I think we’d be good friends but she mostly stays to herself, which I respect. She hasn’t said more than four words to me, but I’m still convinced she’s happier than me. She plays Taylor Swift a lot. She probably went to the Eras Tour. She might have even had floor seats. She probably went with the huge group of people she invited over every few weeks. I bet they all get along amazingly and never fight and have been best friends since they were 5 and will all grow old together.

I hear myself. Trust me, I hear myself.

The guy next to me at the crosswalk in a mustard shirt and light jeans and an empty target bag folded nearly in his left hand. His glasses and brown hair make him look a little bit like Harry Potter. He has kind eyes. I bet he has an amazing relationship with his grandmother. He seems like the kind of person who would help people cross the street.

I go in and out of hearing how far fetched I sound, and completely believing everything my brain is telling me.

I sometimes go to the other extreme - and imagine how miserable everyone might be.

The girl with the gray oversized sweater and jean shorts and a sad forlorn look on her face — she just found out that her boyfriend can’t make their dinner plans (again) because he’s working late. She wants to tell him how she feels but she’s also afraid of feeling needy.

The old man who turns the corner as I walk down the hallway of my basement, stops and takes a long look at a woman at the other end of the hallway. Maybe he wants to be her friend. Maybe he’s lonely.

The dog, grinning widely at me as I approach the elevator. The elevator doors open and he looks back at me as he and his owner get on, with this look that says “you’re coming too, right?” He seems pleased when I get on the elevator after them.

Before the doors even close, this perfect beautiful dog comes straight towards me, pointing his head up, silently asking for pets, still grinning widely. I ask permission from his owner, and then pet away. When I stop for just a moment, he rests his head on my leg and rubs my thigh. It makes my day.

This moment reminds me of a moment I’d almost forgotten, that occurred less than hour or so ago on a bus ride. I looked out the window and caught the eye of some children in the backseat of a car. They waved at me, and I waved back. They were so excited. The bus moved a little bit, and so did the car. It became a kind of game, seeing how long we could keep waving, even as the bus turned in one direction and the car kept going straight, we waved until we could no longer see each other —- the kids pressing their faces against the windows, smiling from ear to ear. That moment made my day too.

I got to the bus stop just a few seconds after another bus had just left. If I had caught that bus, I wouldn’t have been able to wave at those children or pet that dog.

I sometimes wonder what strangers might think about me, as they pass me by or catch my gaze. Do they make up stories about why I’m happier than they are? Do they assume that I’m sad, because they’re sad? I wonder what version of me exists in their heads.

I think about the version of me that exists in my head; how I somehow know myself best and still often assume the worst.

I often contemplate how we can tell truer stories about ourselves, or at least re-examine the ones that we’re telling.

Who do you say you are? Who do you think you are? Who are you really?

Which parts of your identity do you dole out and cling to, when people ask how you are, and what you’re up to?

How are you? Who are you? Who do you hope to be?

I’m the lady waving at kids on the bus and petting dogs in the elevator.

I’m the girl curled up in bed watching a bad tv show I can’t get enough of. It’s somehow the only thing that turns my brain off these days.

I’m the girl who watched almost ten seasons of Greys Anatomy in one week in college, when I skipped all of my classes because I was too depressed to get out of bed.

I’m the girl who has a hard time relaxing and has convinced herself that all of her worth in this world is tied to what she can do for other people.

I’m the girl who’s trying to unlearn that.

I am convinced that tacos can solve anything and that you can’t be upset while watching Legally Blonde.

I am convinced that I can do anything with enough coffee.

I am convinced there are greater things ahead of me than behind me.

I am committed to believing that there is enough grace in the world for all of us. That grace is not a finite resource.

I am convinced that my vulnerability is one of the best parts of me. That I am better off showing up as I am and revealing the messy parts, instead of buttoning myself up and pretending everything is fine.

I am not fine, I’ve never been fine, and I’ll never be fine.

I’ve been heartbroken, broken down on the floor, overjoyed, awestruck, exhausted, overwhelmed, hopeful, weary, and mystified. And that was all last week.

I’ll leave you with a playlist I just made - inspired by the image I saw on Facebook below. It is random and all over the place and full of all kinds of emotions and pretty all over the place - and that just about sums up the inside of my soul and brain. Highly recommend listening to this on shuffle.

From my complicated, weary, hopeful heart to yours — I hope you’re having a good week. I hope you can make the space to slow down and take a nap if you want to. I hope you’re being kind to yourself.

And if you’re not having a good week, just imagine yourself walking down the street next to me, and think about the story I’d make up in my head about how happy you are. Sure, things might not be going great for the real you - but the imaginary you that I made up in my head from just passing you by for less than 30 seconds? Their week has been fantastic. It is only getting better. Only blue skies from here.