What Authenticity Means to Kayris Courtenay, Part 1
On emotional safety, the benefits of authenticity for brain health, and helping kids be their best selves.
A few quick announcements before diving into today’s authenticity chat with Kayris Courtenay!
(This is part 1 of a two-part conversation — click here for part 2! Link at the end of this post as well.)
My new book THE START OF IT ALL is now available for preorder!
I’m so excited to share this book with you!
The Start of It All is a 20-something’s guide to empowerment, resilience, and authenticity at the dawn of adulthood. This book is full of questions exploring community, self-growth, friendship, romantic relationships, and more. Each question is paired with an anecdotal story straight from my 20s.
Learn more below - preorders make a huge, huge difference for self-published authors!
Authenticity Tuesdays are BACK!
Join us on Tuesdays from 8 - 9PM EST for group conversations about what authenticity means to you, and how to cultivate more of it in your life. Sign up below to be added to the mailing list and calendar invite, so that you’ll receive the zoom link + next week’s prompts!
Check out my chat with Nataly Q. on the Stay Grounded Podcast!
Love loved this conversation with Nataly Q. and am honored to be featured on her wonderful podcast! We chat about all things authenticity, and I also open up about the road that has gotten me to where I am today, in more depth than I ever have before.
Speaking of conversations about authenticity….onto this week’s conversation with Kayris!
I’m so excited to share this great conversation with Kayris Courtenay, who works with Sharon Varghese Chan, and Scott Abbott at Abbott Mental Health!
I met Kayris through Sharon, who I met at an event I attended last year hosted by [girls who gather] (which I wrote about here!) I have so enjoyed staying connected with Sharon and getting to know her colleagues. In addition to this conversation with Kayris, I also got to have Sharon and Scott on the blog last week!
Kayris is a passionate and dedicated individual eager to embark on this journey of growth and support alongside her clients. While new to the counseling field, Kayris brings a fresh perspective and years of experience with children and adolescents as a former educator. She is committed to creating a safe, empathetic environment that integrates culturally appropriate mental health services into her client’s day-to-day life.
Her preferred therapeutic modalities include psychodynamic therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, a humanistic person-centered approach. Her aim is to empower clients to reflect on and feel empowered throughout the therapy process. With an open mind and a passion for continuing professional growth, Kayris is looking forward to working alongside clients and families on this journey together.
ALEXA
I would love to hear a little bit about your story, who you are, and what brought you to this current moment. I know that’s a big question - so feel free to answer however you’d like!
KAYRIS
I was born and raised here in Crown Heights, here in Brooklyn, which was amazing. I went to school for teaching and also for psychology and then started teaching for a while. And after COVID - everything changed, and I didn’t feel like there was a heart and passion there for me anymore. But I still wanted to help kids be their best selves - so I decided to go back to school for mental health counseling. I finish later this year.
I recently partnered with Abbott Mental Health - and am supervised by Scott. I’m able to gain experience working with adults along with adolescents (who are going to be my main focus.)
In my personal life, I strive every day to be better than the day before.
A big shift within the last year of my life is that my mom suddenly passed away. So I’ve been dealing with that grief while also supporting clients and navigating new positions. It’s been a year of transition, but I feel like I’m continually growing and trying to find strength in the people around me.
ALEXA
I’m so deeply sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing that. I’ve been thinking a lot about grief lately, while unfortunately navigating multiple losses, and it’s just been very top of mind — how we deal with, and don’t deal with grief, as a society. Will be thinking of your mom.
KAYRIS
Thank you so much, I appreciate that.
ALEXA
Of course. I’d love to hear more about the intersection of psychology and teaching. I taught fourth grade during the pandemic, and I just want teachers to have everything they need always. I’d love to hear more about your teaching journey, the ages you taught, and what that all was like!
KAYRIS
I started as a founding teacher at a charter school in the Fort Hamilton area, teaching kindergarten for the first three years. I’m still in touch with a lot of my students! It was definitely challenging to transition from being in person to being remote, as a first-year teacher, and also advocating for my students and their needs.
I later moved to a private school in Tribeca where I taught pre-K for a year and a half - very different ballgame than kindergarten! It was wonderful, and I learned a lot.
And then after that, I shifted to beginning my journey into mental health counseling.
ALEXA
Earlier you also touched on how you’re interested in helping kids be their best selves. What does the idea of being your best self mean to you as an educator, and now psychologist?
KAYRIS
For me, being your best self is contingent on the space that you’re in. If you’re in a safe and thriving space that encourages you to be who you are, then you’re able to show that. But if it’s a space that is based on expectations and wanting to reach a standardized goal, you’re not going to see your best self.
One of the things I appreciated about being in Tribeca is that we followed an approach called the Regio Emilio approach. It’s a way of teaching that is not teacher-led, it’s more student-centered. It's a question-based philosophy that allows the child to be who they are. We’re all at the same level and we’re all improving together. I was able to really see the children be themselves and be creative and be jokesters, and not sit in a chair for 8 hours a day. That freedom allowed them to be themselves.
ALEXA
That’s incredible. Is the Regio Emilio approach adjacent to the Montessori method at all?
KAYRIS
Yes! It’s very similar but based on an Italian approach to teaching.
ALEXA
Amazing! I do social media consulting with an admissions company here. I often think about the common misconceptions of this learning method, along with how to convey the potential benefits. A lot of kids really thrive there, but parents understandably often worry about whether this approach is right for their specific child.
KAYRIS
I had the benefit of coming from a very rigorous charter school with much more structure and then being in a much more open environment. My goal was to create a middle ground. I still have to set you up for success in a world that requires you to act a certain way and be a certain way, but then I also don’t want to stunt your personality and creativity. It’s a hard middle ground, but it’s definitely possible.
ALEXA
I love that. I think there’s also a hard middle ground with authenticity because people often think that it’s about being yourself all the time, but it’s also not an excuse to do whatever you want without consequences. We live in a world where there are consequences all the time, especially when you’re a child.
KAYRIS
Right. We don’t want you to not be yourself, but there are guidelines.
ALEXA
I think people who work with children are so aware that we as adults often stray so far from who we were as children. So I really appreciate this kind of conversation!
Thinking about authenticity on a larger scale - and in the context of everything we’ve been discussing - what does the word, authenticity, mean to you? What does it mean to be authentic?
KAYRIS
I think the obvious answer is that it means to be your best self or true self. But I think a bigger part of authenticity is being vulnerable, and the fullness of that vulnerability. It’s a tug of war of what society says you should be, and who you desire to be at your core. It’s definitely a difficult thing to balance but I do think that it’s possible.
I found this quote from Psychology Today that says,
Authenticity: Individuals considered authentic are those who strive to align their actions with their core values and beliefs with the hope of discovering, and then acting in sync with, their true selves.
It’s a constant dance of being yourself, and also reevaluating your core values and beliefs and making sure that they align. It’s something that’s everchanging as you grow and get older and have new experiences.
ALEXA
I love this. I love a good quote. It means so much that you’re engaging with this so intentionally, and I’m just learning so much from you already.
Something I’ve been talking about in these conversations about authenticity is context and readjustment. That dance of figuring out how what it means to be authentic can change from day to day.
KAYRIS
I don’t think our core values change from day to day - but I do think it’s okay that your authentic self is subject to change. I remember learning about a philosopher in college - describing that we often learn things at “mother’s knee”; there are things we just learn and take as truth. And then as we get older we can add to that and take away from that. To me, that’s how I look at authenticity; we have our core values and beliefs, and as we get older and change, certain things shift. There is the constant of who we are, and we also have to be open to change.
ALEXA
I think values work is so important. Some people have really done that work through therapy, coaching, self-reflection, etc. And others are still figuring out what their values even are. What would you say to someone trying to figure out what their authentic values are?
KAYRIS
First, it’s a process! It’s not a one-time thing. Journaling is great. Research, podcasts, and being open to a lot of resources and new ideas, and then re-evaluating them. Sometimes we think, “My close friend believes this, so I believe this too.” There’s some caution and self-reflection needed there as well.
ALEXA
I have to ask - what are some of your favorite podcasts right now?
KAYRIS
Facing What’s Left Behind and Dear Sugars are two new ones I just started!
ALEXA
We could talk about podcasts for the rest of the hour.
KAYRIS
You’ll have to send me some soon!
ALEXA
Everyone here knows how much I love Glennon Doyle - can’t recommend her podcast enough. My lord and savior, Glennon Doyle.
When talking about authenticity, we get into the topic of authenticity and connection pretty quickly. How we show up in the world — we’re not just in bubbles by ourselves, we have to think about our impact on people.
I’m curious about how living authentically bolsters connection and also impedes it. That feeling when you realize that your version of living authentically may not align with someone else’s authenticity - and no one’s hurting anyone but it does something to us. I’m curious about the idea of community and connection.
KAYRIS
It’s important to stamp that authenticity often breeds freedom and a strong connection with others - it’s crucial.
The first few days of school, a student comes in and they’re scared to leave their families. But after a few weeks, they’re bursting through the doors and excited to start the day. Once they realize they’re in a safe space, they can really show their true selves.
Authenticity can only be birthed in a safe space. It requires being brave and living in your truth, but it also strengthens connections. And it often takes someone taking the initiative to be authentic first.
ALEXA
Tell me about that moment - and how you recognize authenticity in other people. What’s that moment in a classroom when you see one kid being brave, and then the others? Because it’s a gut thing that we can all notice, and think “Oh that person’s being their self.” But I wonder how you think about that moment, and how you break it down.
KAYRIS
There are definitely several key ways of recognizing authenticity; tone of voice, body language, eye contact, and openness. It’s about breaking down that wall and inviting others to connect. There’s something in us that sparks.
Another indicator is watching how people communicate with others. Are they being open? Judgmental? Genuine? Intentional?
ALEXA
How do we decide who we want to share our authenticity with? And kind of a rhetorical question which we’d both say no to - do we owe it to everyone?
I’d also love it if you could talk about the idea of emotional and psychological safety - as a therapist! - and define it for us. The term is thrown around all the time and a lot of people truly don’t know what it means. And those from older generations often never heard those words growing up.
KAYRIS
Absolutely. And this gets into the psychological benefits of authenticity as well.
I was reading a study on the benefits of authenticity on brain health. In the study, authenticity was explained in three parts: mind, behavior, and emotional well-being of a person. There’s a strong connection between authenticity and the well-being of someone, and being self-aware.
And for me to be free and flourish, I need to be in a state of being to act in that way; an honest and open space where I can share how I feel. It’s important to not feel judged or condemned in those safe spaces.
