Hungry
a song I wrote sitting in the back row of the St. James Theater before I saw Illinoise last week
If you’re a paid subscriber, you can listen to either a) the voiceover on the top where I sing the lyrics or b) the 2nd one (the longer one) where I read them like a poem.
A Few Announcements -
My book, THE START OF IT ALL, is officially out this Friday!! You can preorder now though! I’ll mostly be selling it myself to start, but stay tuned as I start to partner with bookstores (one very special announcement is coming soon!)
Join us for Authenticity Tuesdays from 8 - 9 EST each week, whenever you’d like! Check out some of our past discussion prompts here and my initial inspiration for this weekly community here.
The “What Authenticity Means To Me” series (always free) will be back soon! In the meantime, I’m working on organizing them all under a tab on my homepage. Here are a few you can check out in the meantime!
Know someone who might be interested in joining me for a conversation about authenticity? Interested in coming on the blog yourself? Don’t hesitate to reach out!
Okay, that’s it! Onto this week’s song/poem!
You can scroll past this blurb for the song/poem, or read on for a disclaimer/intro of sorts (which includes a trigger warning.) Your choice!
I typically do not share songs this quickly, but something told me that I wanted to share this one, this week.
I also noticed while recording this — I super unintentionally dropped a lot of easter eggs in here relating to past essays. I linked some of them throughout :)
Another thing I’m trying re: paid subscriptions vs. free — this post itself is free for everyone (the written part) but the recording with the melody/sung-through version of what’s below, will be for paid subscribers only right now. There is also a recording just below that (at the top of this post) for free subscribers, where I read the lyrics instead of singing them.
As I mentioned in my essay on Why I Offer Paid Subscriptions, I don’t view paid subscribers as an elite members-only club. Paid subscribers do have the option to listen to both the sung through or read through recordings this week; I’m not pretending that they don’t have an extra benefit. They do. And I also think that the read-through audio recording (and written version) offer something unique by themselves. Will be curious to see how this all lands — it is super important that all members of this community know how much they matter to me. Because you do!
I also went back and forth on including a trigger warning. There are mentions of eating disorders, and alcohol abuse. Death itself is not a theme, but the idea of ‘wanting to die’ in the colloquial, often over-exaggerated sense, is a refrain. As always, sit this week out if you need to. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing.
Maybe this whole preamble was too long or not needed. I don’t know. Just doing my best and making it up as I go along.
Okay, here we go!
I was hungry but I bought many drinks instead
I couldn’t tell you why
You were off in the corner batting your eyelashes
At Wednesday’s love of your life
I was hungry but I bought many drinks instead
Shoving whiskey down my throat, laughing at bad jokes
Have you ever wanted to die
Standing in a crowded room
No ones looking at you
But you kind of want them to
And you kind of want to sink
Into some corner
Sometimes I wonder
Who I’m supposed to be
Who was I supposed to be
I was sleepy but I stayed up sitting next to you instead
Like a propped up doll
You’re spewing some shit about some finance thing I never cared about
I just nod along
I was sleepy but I stayed up and let you kiss me
Like a propped up doll
You think we’re so romantic all our friends are jealous
Have you ever wanted to die
Laying in your bedroom
He’s so happy
Thinks you’re happy too
You really wish you were
The girl everybody thinks you are
And I still wonder
Who I’m supposed to be
Who was I supposed to be
Well did I play the role of
The dispassionate Stepford girlfriend
The kind of girl who’d be your wife
If she wasn’t so damn preoccupied
With her what if’s
All those could’ve been’s
Who would I be if I’d stayed on Broome Street?
Who would I be if I was married?
Would I be me in Alaska?
Or on some island, God knows where?
Who is the me I am when the night is over
And I’m on the stairs
And I’m just thinking ‘bout Broome Street
And God, I’m still so hungry
Have you ever wanted to die
Standing in a crowded room
No one’s looking at you
But you kind of want them to
And you kind of want to sink
Into some corner
Sometimes I wonder
Who I’m supposed to be
Who was I supposed to be
Have you ever wanted to die
Standing in a crowded room
Everyone and no one’s looking at you
But you kind of want them to
And you kind of want to sink
Into some corner
Sometimes I wonder
Who I’m supposed to be
Who was I supposed to be